Tuesday, June 28, 2005
I am a yogurt masochist
Every time I eat yogurt, it happens. And somehow, deep in the recesses of my consciousness, I know it’s going to happen. Maybe I'm always too preoccupied with the impending ingestion of LIVE ACTIVE CULTURES!! (ALL LIVE!! ALL NUDE!! ALL BACTERIA!!) Or maybe I'm fixated on attempting to FOR ONCE remove the foil lid in one piece (a SECOND lid, mind you. Is this to heighten the anticipation? Do the live yogurt cultures only work in your stomach if you’re PISSED off?) Of course, the lid always ends up shredding into about 14 different sections, showering little foil bits into your yogurt. Lately I've been leaving them; I could use the extra iron.
But I digress. In all the commotion, I forget the one interminable fact of yogurtdom: if you open the foil lid towards you, you will get covered in yogurt. It’s unavoidable. Like death, taxes and the re-emergence of Dick Clark from his cryogenic chamber every December 31. Each little yogurt container (carton? tub? receptacle?) is specially packaged with a little yogurt "burp" to ensure freshness. Seriously!! In my travels, I stumbled upon the Yoplait plant (nestled in the heart of the Dannon Mountains) and during the tour we met Johann, the little Swedish man whose job is to sit on a stool and breathe a little bit of Swedish goodness into each yogurt container. (Yogurt is Swedish right? What? It originated in Turkey? Really? Ohh thats right, it was a Swedish MASSAGE parlor I visited. Well, now that makes little Johann's presence a lot more disturbing....)
ANYWAY, if you've waded through the past few paragraphs in hope of finding a point to this story, don't worry, there is one. My point is that, although I KNOW that if I open the yogurt lid towards me I will get splooged with yogurt, I DON'T STOP DOING IT. Hence, the yogurt masochism. I don't know why I do it. It’s just like when I drink a Starbucks coffee with one of their crappy ill-fitting to-go lids on the cup.
All the lids do is direct the coffee AWAY from the tiny quarter inch slit you're supposed to drink from. Instead, the coffee pours directly out of the bottom of the lid and into your lap. Don't get mad though, it’s how the Europeans drink their coffee. We Americans are just ignorant morons who prefer our coffee in our mouths.
But anyway, I will regularly go through 15 minutes of hell that normally go like this...
*sip* "Dammit!! I got coffee on my pristine white shirt!"
*sip*..."Again!? What is going on?"
*sip*..."Is, is the coffee spilling OUT of the cup??"
*sip* "Dammit! I think it is! But I have the lid on! Maybe I should take one more drink to make sure"
*sip* "DAMN!! Now I'm almost 100% sure it’s the lid..."
I really need help.
PS. Diana's office stories are frickin HILARIOUS. Our book is going to have to come with a pack of adult diapers. Not because people will wet themselves laughing...but because I feel adult incontinence is something we as a nation need to openly address. No one should be ashamed of peeing.
But I digress. In all the commotion, I forget the one interminable fact of yogurtdom: if you open the foil lid towards you, you will get covered in yogurt. It’s unavoidable. Like death, taxes and the re-emergence of Dick Clark from his cryogenic chamber every December 31. Each little yogurt container (carton? tub? receptacle?) is specially packaged with a little yogurt "burp" to ensure freshness. Seriously!! In my travels, I stumbled upon the Yoplait plant (nestled in the heart of the Dannon Mountains) and during the tour we met Johann, the little Swedish man whose job is to sit on a stool and breathe a little bit of Swedish goodness into each yogurt container. (Yogurt is Swedish right? What? It originated in Turkey? Really? Ohh thats right, it was a Swedish MASSAGE parlor I visited. Well, now that makes little Johann's presence a lot more disturbing....)
ANYWAY, if you've waded through the past few paragraphs in hope of finding a point to this story, don't worry, there is one. My point is that, although I KNOW that if I open the yogurt lid towards me I will get splooged with yogurt, I DON'T STOP DOING IT. Hence, the yogurt masochism. I don't know why I do it. It’s just like when I drink a Starbucks coffee with one of their crappy ill-fitting to-go lids on the cup.
All the lids do is direct the coffee AWAY from the tiny quarter inch slit you're supposed to drink from. Instead, the coffee pours directly out of the bottom of the lid and into your lap. Don't get mad though, it’s how the Europeans drink their coffee. We Americans are just ignorant morons who prefer our coffee in our mouths.
But anyway, I will regularly go through 15 minutes of hell that normally go like this...
*sip* "Dammit!! I got coffee on my pristine white shirt!"
*sip*..."Again!? What is going on?"
*sip*..."Is, is the coffee spilling OUT of the cup??"
*sip* "Dammit! I think it is! But I have the lid on! Maybe I should take one more drink to make sure"
*sip* "DAMN!! Now I'm almost 100% sure it’s the lid..."
I really need help.
PS. Diana's office stories are frickin HILARIOUS. Our book is going to have to come with a pack of adult diapers. Not because people will wet themselves laughing...but because I feel adult incontinence is something we as a nation need to openly address. No one should be ashamed of peeing.
# posted by yellow_mustard_girl : 2:36 PM
