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Sunday, February 26, 2006

this is cool


Wednesday, February 22, 2006

girls are dumb

Excuses girls use to explain weight gain:

"I'm having my period. It's lasted about 6 months now."
"It's just water weight....I'm retaining water from that 1/2 lb of kosher salt I ate last night"
"These are heavy shoes"
"Muscle weighs more than fat." (Said while grabbing love handles)
"This scale is off by 10 lbs"
"I'm a skinny 180lbs"
"I have to pee, my bladder is making me heavier"
"My hair weighs at least 2lbs"
"I think I shrunk these jeans and my shirt and my socks and my bra and underwear in the wash."
"The camera adds 10 - 45 lbs...to each leg"
"This mirror must be warped or something, my stomach looks like its bulging out. That's weird. Hey, pass the Fritos"
"I have dense bones, I drink A LOT of milk(shakes). "

And my own personal excuse? That would have to be the one that goes:
"I don't know it keeps happening but I keep getting in my car and randomly driving to the Bahia burrito place and accidentally ordering a Surfer Gigante burrito with chips and then somehow, I trip and it lands in my mouth and I'm forced to chew and swallow it or I'll suffocate. Also sometimes I'll innocently manipulate Mike into buying me a Dairy Queen blizzard. It can't be the junk food though its probably just the stress, I heard that like, swells your fat cells or something."

Hahaahaha, too bad this is true. Well everything except the accidental and innocent part. My job is reaching critical mass, I pretty much have a panic attack every day. In the midst of that, and planning the wedding and determining how I will survive once I quit my job, I just have been chain swallowing burritos and cheeseburgers and ice cream. I don't know why. Well, yes I do. It tastes good and I'm too tired and fried to make an effort to eat anything else. Why don't they have a SALAD delivery place??

I'm not about to turn this into a whiney fatgirl blog, (you know, the kind that goes, "I looooooooooove chocolate. Why can't chocolate be calorie free? I wish there was an RDA for chocolate because I looove chocolate so much. But I can't have it, cause it makes me fat. But it's sooooooooooooooo goood." ) but I am going to say that, well...damn. It is frustrating to be three months away from my wedding and be gaining weight. not a lot. in fact, I know many, many people that would beat me with their own foot for saying that I have gained weight at all but, guess what. This is cyber space, baby. You can't hurt what doesn't technically exist in a tangible sense or something like that.

I guess what I'm saying is, it's hard to be a girl. It's even harder to be a neurotic girl with a shitty job, an impending wedding, an uncertain future and an elevated anxiety level due to her perceived need to look freakin amazing at her wedding. And a crippling addiction to Dairy Queen chocolate oreo blizzards.

Ok, I think I've used the word chocolate like, 6 times in this post already, that is a clear sign it's time to stop typing before I reach maximum female stereotypical-ness. I guess my post about PMS cramps, eyebrow waxing and Ashley Judd movies will have to wait.

Friday, February 17, 2006

kudos to me

I know two blogposts in one day is a little overzealous, but dammit, I'm in an overzealy mood. I just had to post this because it warmed my tiny, ice-encrusted heart. I was going through my old blog posts, checking out comments I had missed when I found this from halfpenny:

"I was checkin out Rories Blog and out of sheer boredom I clicked on your link. After reading a sufficiently large amount of entries, in the most non creepy guy hiding in the bushes kinda way, I’d like to say you have one of the funniest blogs I’ve read in a long time, and I really enjoyed reading your entries. "

Everyone, all together now: awwwwwwwwwwww. Of course, now I feel all the more crappy for waiting two whole months to post again, not to mention the enormous pressure of knowing SOMEONE out there finds me funny, so now I have to keep it up. The bar has been set. Thanks a lot, halfpenny, you jerk!!!

i'm just kidding. Maybe all of you other anonymous readers out there should post encouraging and flattering comments about how funny I am. After all, you're the reason I post in the first place. That and the unbearable lonliness that comes with having no human contact for most of my day. boohoo.

the return of yellow mustard

So, I'm back. From outerspace. I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face.
Sad of course, because I took a 2 month hiatus from writing in my blog.
Don't worry, I didn't stop being funny. Trust me, I've been doing my knock-knock joke drills and watching Dane Cook DVDs and working on my Bill Cosby impressions and I am BUCKET LOADS of funny.
What happened is probably the worst thing that can happen to a first-time blogger.
My grand parents found this site.

My poor grandparents. If they are reading this now, I'd just like to say...Hi! Sorry I shocked and possibly horrified you with this website. And sorry I didn't bring it up when I saw you recently, but I didn't want to ruin Christmas Eve dinner. But by the way, I don't drink or swear or make ethnic slurs NEARLY as much as this blog would lead you to believe.

So anyway yeah, my grandparents read my blog, and then they showed my dad and then my dad showed my mom, and then my mom emailed it to the pope and he thought my shit was hilarious! Oops, see I did it again. I swore. That's the thing that made my grandparents finding this blog so embarrassing.

My friends know that I don't swear that often. I swear a lot in this blog because I think its kind of funny. It spices up an otherwise dull sentence. But I can see how anyone outside of my circle of friends would be confused by all my swearing, and all my abusive remarks about homeless people. You might find this hard to believe, but my sense of humor is kind of secret I keep from my family. I'm not the funny one in my family. I'm the blonde, sweet one that's successful but not as popular as the darling baby of the family. :)

Where was I going with this? Oh yes. So when I found out my entire family had read my blog I was mortified. I thought about just never posting on this blog again. Can you believe it!!! I don't really know why. It's not that big of a deal. This whole damn website is only written to amuse me and the handful of people that read it on purpose. So what if my grandparents now have a different perspective on what kind of person I am. I love them...and I think they still love me because I still got Christmas presents from them this year.

So I'm back. I did remove most of the references to my name from the blog (hence the new URL) just in case any employers find this website. I have this feeling referencing scotch 45 times in a website can hurt your chances at employment. (now you see, if I was really on top of my game, I'd have a witty zinger to follow up, something like, "unless you're applying for a job as a stand in for Tara Reid. Ba-zing!!!" or some other funny reference to someone that, you know, could drink a lot of scotch)

I will try to update this WAAAAY more regularly because really, theres so much going on in my life right now, its ripe for delicious fodder. I'm getting married soon (ball and chain jokes!!), I'm in a cooking club (food poisoning jokes!!), I'm preparing to quit my job and go back to school (poverty jokes!!).


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