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Tuesday, March 28, 2006

it's time!

For my semi-sometimes-sort of updated list of things I hate:

1. Segueways. When I see people riding on them, I want to push them over (and it won't hurt them either...they wear helmets and elbow pads to cushion them from the potentially brutal 3.5 foot fall) or throw cans at them or scream, "USE YOUR GOD GIVEN LEGS YOU FAT LAZY JERKS!!!"
What kind of country are we in when people opt for a form of transportation that is pretty much on par with being wheeled around on a dolly like a box of frozen hamburgers??? GAAAH!

2. That Enterprise commercial that features the three people on some sort of "Girls-Only Getaway" scenario. The leader shouts out triumphantly, "Let's go, girls!!!" and apparently that is the signal to "let loose". And according to Enterprise, when a woman "lets loose" she either:

a. Puts on a pair of outdated sunglasses (sassily)
b. Removes her hair from a ponytail and swings it back and forth a few times
c. Takes off the ugly floral print scarf from around her neck, and then, because she is SO carefree, she lets it go into the wind as the car takes off. And that brings me to the next thing I hate:

3. Any commercial, music video, sitcom, movie etc that shows a woman releasing her scarf into the wind. I guess it's used as a symbol of freedom...these women are so emancipated, so totally liberated they can throw away perfectly good articles of clothing. They are free to throw that scarf away, dammit, and no $150 littering fine issued by a bicycle cop is going to stop them!!! Female Power!!!

But really, when you think about it....what are they really being freed from? The bondages of scarfdom? The debillitating crutch of neck and head concealement? Floral patterned rayon fabric???
And if any of these women are like me (and they're not because they are usually in cute linen pants running barefoot down the beach) they would NOT express their independence by tossing out a decent looking scarf that took them 30 minutes to find in the Goodwill bin. No...they would do it through petty acts of vandalism in excess of $200. These media writers need to get a grip on what the real world is like.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

I might have leprosy

I am falling apart.

Not even so much mentally as physically. And really when I say physically, I don't actually mean like body parts are dropping off me like sandbags from a hot air balloon (which would be a reference to my leprosy title...when you have leprosy your nose falls off and stuff right? I don't know.)

It's more along the lines of my hygiene and personal care. Yeah, I'm about to blog about hygiene. This is going to get gross. Don't say I didn't warn you. Well, actually you can say it all you want. I'm not sitting there next to your computer. So go ahead, scream it from the mountain tops, you pyschopath.

Anywho, hygiene. Yeah. Now, I've always ranted on about how I'm not very good at being a girl...meaning that I don't know how to do a lot of the technical things that most girls do to smell pretty or look nice or stave off bacterial infections. Dammit, I try but there is only so much a girl with my kind of motor skills can accomplish! I have a stub thumb!! And throw in a good amount of stress, some sleep deprivation and a punishing schedule of work and wedding plans and recreational bonsai and well frankly, some things have to fall by the wayside.

Things like...flossing. Or showering every day. Or changing my pants from day to day. Or cleaning under my fingernails. Mascara? Why bother? Shaved legs? Who is really going to see those? Lately it's all I can do to slog through my day, run some errands, shovel some food into my mouth and then pass out in bed....sometimes with the unchewed food right in my mouth. And for awhile I've been so busy, so utterly consumed with stupid work tasks or wedding stuff or other dumb crap that I don't even really notice it. It sort of hovers somewhere in the corner of the brain, appearing only every once in awhile when I look in the mirror and go, "Ew."

But today I went to the dentist and had a wake up call. You could say, tartar buildup saved my life today. However, that would be a gross exaggeration of the situation, so lets just forget that.
The nice dental assistant lady had me sit down in the chair, asked me the same chitchatty questions and then took a look at my mouth. "Oh my," she said "you have a lot of tartar in here. You need to floss more."
Now, I'm fairly certain "You need to floss more" is some kind of cryptic dental code phrase, that actually has nothing to do with flossing, because I usually floss EVERY DAY and I STILL get that line.

So really, I was about to brush off the whole tartar thing (brush ...tartar...dental humor!!! I wasn't even trying!! I am priceless!) when the lady pulls out this GIANT POINTY METAL HOOK and starts jabbing at the soft tissue of my gums. "OK," I think, "This has happened before, she's just doing a little scraping, no big deal. I'll be out of here in time for Dr. Phil."
But then she kept scraping. And scraping. And poking. And scraping. I swear she had her eyes closed. She wasn't even hitting my teeth half the time!!! At one point I caught a glimpse of her latex glove and it was covered in blood. MY BLOOD! As if that isn't gruesome enough, it gets worse!!!

She got up after about 15 minutes and left the room. I think, "Finally! A light at the end of this blood and gauze filled tunnel!!" But then she comes back. Holding more tools. AND A SHARPENING STONE. And she proceeds to file down the little tooth pick thing into a. tiny. SHARP. point.
"This will make it easier to slip it in between your gums," she said in a sweet voice, masking the sadistic glee she had to be getting out of this.
So she stabbed away at my gums for another 5 or 10 minutes, then let me rinse my mouth.

She told me the reason she had to scrape so much is because I have GINGIVITIS. Holy shit. That's a hobo disease!! how the hell do I have that?? I started to mildly freak out.
now, I have to explain...up until recently, I was especially meticulous about my oral hygiene. A teeth geek if you will. When I was in 3rd grade, I saw my teacher brushing her teeth in the bathroom after lunch and i was in awe. I started bringing my own nerdy little toothbrush to school too. I floss religiously. I use fluoride rinse. I brush in small, gentle circles people!! I know my shit!!!
and then, to have the dentist tell me I have so neglected my teeth these past 6 months that I've actually developed gingivitis...well, I was devastated.

And when I started to think about all the other things I have been neglecting for myself, well its just gross. My diet lately has consisted of mostly sugar in all its forms (with a major emphasis on Thin Mints and Tagalongs lately...damn you Girl Scouts) so I have no energy and feel crappy. The most exercise I've gotten in over a month now is the climb up my steps after getting the mail...so I'm all winded and out of shape. My chin has all kinds of zits, because I sit at my computer all day at work and paw at my face with my greasy hands. My lips are chapped, my hair has split ends, my fingernails are all misshapen and I think I'm growing a hump. What is happening to me!!??!

Luckily for those who have to look upon me regularly...my last day of work is March 14th. I am so freaking excited I could pee my pants. But I won't because I haven't let myself go that far yet. YET. So I have made a proclamation. Starting March 15th, its STOP BEING A SLOB MONTH. (eventually I'd like to not be a slob all 12 months out of the year, but I want to start slow). Nothing is going to take priority over me taking care of myself. Not work, not wedding plans, not even babies trapped in burning buildings. Sorry babies!! Find some one else to whine to!! This gross girl will not go another day with gingivitis!!!!!!!!!

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