.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

unstable mabel

Yes, that's me.

Have you ever had one of those days/weeks/months/moon cycle's where you just feel a bit off your rocker?

I mean, more than usual?

I am on the tail-end of a massive sinus infection (i.e. the same sinus infection/t-cell genocide I experience EVERY TIME I am subjected to deadlines and stress) and I haven't been sleeping very well/much and I'm doped up on all kinds of white pills and I STILL have like, a bajillion assignments and other crap even though there are only 5 days of school left.

And anyway, I'm feeling unstable. Oh, did I mention I'm somewhere in the murky depths of a menstrual cycle? What? You didn't want to know that? TOO BAD DOUCHE MONKEYS! Here at YMB I hide NOTHING.

Evidence of my instability:
-Upon learning that I have to take anatomy *gasp* next semester and then shortly thereafter learning it is cadaver dissection, I feel it is imperative that I get comfortable with the idea of dead bodies, and start visiting terrible sites like cadaver.org and such to get acclaimated to the slab. What a terrible, terrible idea.

-Googling things like, "Cadaver" will take you to all kinds of morbid sites, like www.findadeath.com , which I spent many hours perusing, realizing that I have a definite fascination with death. Great, that's a cute little bullet point for the resume.

-In perusing findadeath, I came across a little entry for Jonathan Brandis, and I am plunged (once again) into an inexplicable sadness about the fact that my boy-crush from Seaquest DSV killed himself. I remember hearing about it a few years ago and just being so shocked. I don't really know why I was then....or why I am STILL sad about it ... several days after remembering it??? Latent realization of mortality, much?

-A bunch of old Coldplay songs keep popping up on my iTunes shuffle and they keep plunging me into one of those stupid saccharine nostalgic stupors....you know, when you think "Oh my GOD, I miss college so much..." because when "The Scientist" is playing, its hard to remember that college involved a lot of bad stuff too....
....like the time you played beer pong with Red Bull and Stoli's and ended up passing out mid-sentence at Mad Mex and having to be dragged to a taxi cab only to vomit in it 5 minutes later and thereby forcing one of your friends to clean it up while the other staggers down the street with you thrown over his shoulder, trying to figure out where the hell your apartment is and you wake up the next morning with vomit in your hair and missing your favorite pair of sandals....

Not that anything like that ever happened to me. It's just an example. But that gives me an idea...I think I'm going to mix myself a cocktail and think happy, stable thoughs.

Hope everyone is in good mental health!

Saturday, May 19, 2007

holy matrimony, batman!

Wow, I have gotten a lot of mileage out of that batman-marriage joke. Maybe I should stop.

Anyway, in one day, it will have been one whole year since I donned an enormous poofy white dress and paraded around in front of my loved ones.

No, I'm not talking about the time I tried to enter Ms. Tranny San Diego after watching half of "To Wong Fu, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar" on basic cable.

I'm talking about my wedding!!! Woohoo! If I can manage to stay away from a divorce lawyer for 24 hours, I will be married for one year!! (This may be tough, as I have to drive right through Lawyer Town on my way to Trader Joes...and we're out of soymilk).

Anyway, here's an old pic (taken at the wedding after-party, in which we crashed another snotty bride's karoake party and started singing non-stop Journey).

Friday, May 18, 2007

meh make up your own damn title

Do you hear that sound?

Listen closely; it sounds very much like a heavy-set bearded man is pacing back and forth in a pair of enormous hiking boots over a large pile of Grape Nuts cereal.

That's right...that sound is a CRUNCH.

It's CRUNCH TIME. Aahahahahaha!!

Wow, how could a joke with that kind of elaborate set up turn out so un-funny?

Aaaanyway, it's that fantastic time in the semester, where all my professor's look at their calendar's and say:

"Hmmm, looks like three weeks till the end of the semester. These kids are fried. And they still have to prepare for the CUMULATIVE FINAL that I am forcing them to take for 60 PERCENT of their grade. I get stressed just thinking about how stressed they must be.
You know what would make me feel better? Assigning an endless stream of trivial papers, take-home assignments, labs, lab quizzes, journals, portfolios and other crap. Oh, and I'll make it all due in the weeks following up to the final. That will take their mind off the ENORMOUS, GRADE-DETERMINING (THEREFORE CAREER DETERMINING) FINAL that is coming up."

What vegan douches!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I've had over a dozen different things due in the past two weeks. Right now I am "working" on a take-home assignment involving Mendelian genetics (with a heavy emphasis on the sex-linked traits of fruit flies. Woo-pee.)

But its ok. Just a few more weeks. I think I'm perfecting the art of converting stomach acid into actual sustenance. It burns, but it's also filling.

Talk to you in a few weeks....

P.S. Everyone go to Jen's blog and read about what she is going to be doing in Africa!!! It is so cool!! Then pry open your tight, miserly fists and donate a few dollars to her cause. If you don't, we are so not friends anymore.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

love me

I'd just like to put out a public apology to any "vegan douchebags" that I may have offended in the preceding post.

I love vegans. I love douchebags.

Please don't stop reading my blog!

cows are going to kill us all

I have been an on and off vegetarian since freshman year of high school. I think the first time I did it was just as one of those requisite teenage phases. You know, like how Greg Brady decided to become a hippie and started wearing beaded headbands and lived up in the attic? That kind of phase.

Only instead of doing that I gave up meat. (I did experiment with beaded headbands though...)

But at some point I began to develop a true aversion to the way most meat tastes and looks. To this day I can't pull meat off a cooked chicken. It turns my stomach. And ground beef?! I still have nightmares about that stuff...

My school cafeteria used to serve it on "Nacho Day" and there was always this one really fat kid we all gave our beef cups to and then dare him to eat it and he would and it was disgusting. (Not the fat kid persay, but the river of orange grease that would flow from his chin and form a pool on the collar of his shirt. That was pretty gross.)

Anyway, I eventually adopted a bizarre quasi-vegetarianism that I keep to this day, one in which I eat eggs, fish and occasionally some deli turkey. In moments of extreme protein crisis I've been known to consume "meats", the stuff that through virtue of their over-processing barely resembled actual animal at all. ie, Chef-boy-R-dee meatballs, Steak-ums, McDonalds beef-flavored sandwiches...

I'll fall off the wagon every once in awhile, usually due to extreme laziness. But inevitably, I'll have some ghastly encounter with a meat product and run back screaming to the Land of Broccoli. (Like for instance, when I found pieces of shell in my canned tuna, or when my package of deli turkey came enveloped in a thick film of slime).

My point to all of this is that I am a vegetarian because I don't like the taste of meat. I have never, EVER been a vegetarian because I care about animals. Unlike some people, I don't think "animals are people too." No, you vegan douches, they're ANIMALS.

Look, I am not promoting purposely being cruel to animals...unless it's doing something really funny you can put on YouTube. (I'm kidding!!) It's just....why do some vegetarians claim they don't eat animals because "meat is murder?" In all seriousness I do think the meat-producing industry could be more humane and more sanitary. Sure, I'll sign a petition for that. But after that, meat still isn't murder. It's called a form of sustenance.

C'mon people. We aren't at the top of the food chain because we are snazzy dressers.

And really, what I find the most baffling is that MANY OTHER ANIMALS EAT OTHER ANIMALS. Do you think lions are sitting around going, "God, I'm starting to feel like a big fatty every time I eat an antelope. All those hip urban humans aren't eating meat anymore. Maybe I should give up eons worth of vital evolution and instinct and start eating this dry, tasteless grass."

Because really folks, what's next? After we've converted all the cruel human carnivores of the world into plant eaters, are we going to start going after the grizzly bears? The great white sharks?

And are you PETA-ers even aware that the very creatures you are trying to save from being eaten would kill you in less time than it takes to hand out one of your informative, graphic pamplets???? No smart-ass; I'm not talking about lions or tigers or bears. Those are obvious.

I'm saying: cows, chickens, Atlantic salmon, rabitts, boneless baby-backed calves, all of them...they want you to die. They are plotting against you AS I TYPE. You wanna know why most people eat meat? To quell the violent uprising of the herbivores!!!

That's right, fellow vegetarians. The meat-eating folk don't want to tell us that because they're hoping that us tofu-eaters will be turned on first, and potentially sate the farm animal blood-lust long enough for them to escape to their underground bunkers.

Conspiracy theory, you say?

Ok, carrot-munchers, you can believe that if it helps you sleep at night.

Labels: ,

Friday, May 11, 2007

a pick-me-up

Further proof that I am a sick, sick individual:

While perusing my Yahoo mail, I noticed a banner ad out of the corner of my eye and upon reading it, burst out laughing hysterically. What was the ad?

ROLL OVER to learn more?!?!!? Aahahahhahahhaha!!!! Get it? Cause, it's an ad about genital warts and then they say "roll over to learn more", as if saying, "Roll over, off that anonymous dude you're boinking and get yourself educated!"
Maybe they should say, "Get off your back and learn more about genital warts, you tramp!!!!"
Too much?

**Once AGAIN, Blogger had thwarted my attempts to post pictures that are resized. They always come out too small and too grainy. Anyway have any tips on how I can improve this?
In the meantime, if you can't read it, just click on the picture and it will enlarge. Enlarge, hahaha!
Sick, sick, sick.

Labels: ,

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

three parts sunshine, two parts sugar, one part shit-talking

Hello, friends.

I'm still working my rosier perspective, which is a challenge. I literally WOKE UP in mid-gripe about my Biology class this morning. My solution? SKIP THE CLASS ALL TOGETHER!!
Oh, sure, this is the last Bio lecture before our exam on Thursday and he's 95% likely to be handing out the example short essay questions he will use on the test and it's pretty risky to assume that I will run into my Bio partner Wednesday and she will let me copy the questions and I may have very well put the final coffin nail into my poor grade.


Erm, to continue...
This semester has been a killer. I won't bore you with the typical rant about the pitfalls and perils of going to grad school full-time AND working. What has been the most frustrating for me is that I'm trying to dip my toe into the icy kiddie pool of published writing.

I'd really love for some of my meaningless drivel to get into a magazine somewhere. But how can I spend any time writing when I'm too busy memorizing molecular geometry and hybridized orbitals?! Or processing 25 broker applications? Or scouring eBay for the perfect vintage dress to wear to an upcoming wedding only to be thwarted at the last second by some Aussie tart who had the nerve to wait until the last second and then add like 10 cents to my bid so that she could win?? BITCH! Doesn't she know that is MY move????

My point is, it's hard. Given that I have the attention span of a hyperactive, caffeinated hummingbird...

...sorry, I heard a weird chirping sound outside and had to investigate it. It was a squeaky toy my dog was chewing on....

...sorry! I had to itch my elbow and then I realized how dry my skin is so I went to put on moisturizer but then I realized that's only covering up the problem so I figured I should exfoliate first, but why stop at my elbow? so i took a shower and loofah-ed up real good and then applied moisturizer but at that point my hair was wet so I might as well put in a deep conditioner treatment right? and that takes like, 30 minutes so.....

DO YOU SEE?!?!?! This is what my life is like CONSTANTLY. Just getting through one post is a vast internal struggle akin to Moby Dick. (I'm Ahab, the blog is the white whale, get it? Or...would I be Ishmael? What was that Indian guys name? Maybe he was an Eskimo. Wait, have I ever even read Moby Dick?)

But don't worry, my intent is not to complain about what is. It is to celebrate the anticipation of what will be.

You see, come June 5th, I am done with classes for the summer. DONE!!
And summer will be a slip n slide of joy leading into a splash pool of fun and relaxation. Sure, maybe there will be a rock or two under the slide (the rocks being work and ... work). But for the most part, it will be awesome.

I'm going back to Pittsburgh for a few days in June, celebrating my one year anniversary at a Julian B&B, my birthday is in July, my parents are coming to visit (finally) in August and I'm going to Cabo San Lucas for an entire week!!! But the most exciting part is that I'm taking another writing class, "Personal Narrative Writing" at UCSD. That's an actual university! Unlike the DeVry College where I am currently taking my writing class. (I kid, I kid!! I love Mesa College!) And I've fully committed myself to doing some writing EVERY DAY.** (**Offer void on days when I have a hangover).

So, in conclusion......

SORRY! Dammit! I needed more coffee but then I thought maybe I should drink some juice instead. I ended up with water. Anyway, woohoo summer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Labels: ,

Monday, May 07, 2007

what a difference a blog post can make

**I want to apologize to Helen in advance for stealing the link below as well as pretty much echoing her recent sentiment about not taking stuff for granted. I usually try to avoid grabbing briliant ideas from someone else's post and passing them off as my own, I swear! But I was just so moved by what she had to say, and I was so touched by Yen's site, I wanted to make sure that the three people that visit yellow mustard blog get to experience it, too. So please consider this merely a conduit to other, more eloquent people on the inter nets.
Thank you.


I had intended to post a quick little ditty about how baffled I am by the fact that Mesa College has bathroom stalls that are enclosed by shower curtains and all the social protocol, etiquette and psychological trauma therein. And I will post it, eventually!

But, before I sat down to write I did my usual perusing of some of my favorite blogs and came upon the latest post from Helen. First of all, her post alone is excellent and worthy of reading, as is. But she also put in a link to a blog about a guy named Yen and his relationship with his boyfriend Jesse, who was battling cancer. So I went to Yen's weblog and was just utterly captivated. I read pretty much all of it in one sitting, crying and smiling the whole time.

Anyway, I really think you should take a minute to just go and check out what Yen and Jesse had to say. Because at the core of it, it's not about being a gay couple, it's not even about dealing with cancer. It's about their strength and grace and just loving another person in general. I think everybody needs moments in life where you are re-calibrated; when you realize just how freakin' good you have it and how blessed you are to just be right where you are, right now, with the people that love you at your best and your worst.

Anyway, even if you don't go to the site, just humor me: take a second to get up and go find a person or animal or plant that you love. And hug the bejebus out of him/her/it. Say thanks. Breathe in some air. Unclench your fists. Whatever. You will be amazed, trust me.

Because I know, personally, that after a day of stressing out over school, bitching about exams, bemoaning my job, cursing my bad skin, shrieking at the incompetence of the President, the Mesa Science department, the guy driving in front of me and generally being a pissed off, whiney, self-involved brat, reading Yen's story and hugging my husband and dog made me feel like a new human. Even if it only lasts a little while, it was worth it.

But even grateful people can be appalled by shower curtains on bathroom stalls!!


Sunday, May 06, 2007

sunday afternoon cartoons

Aren't you in luck??!

During my furious studying session for YET ANOTHER Chemistry test, I came across some cartoons I had scribbled in the margins of my lecture notes. I felt the need to post them because they are so un-funny and lame that they actually become funny. Sort of.

Keep in mind I usually drew these 50 minutes into an 90 minute lecture and often under the additional duress of not having coffee and really needing to pee.

Also, you'll have to click on the picture to see it clearly. I apologize. But I still can't figure out how to correctly scan, compress and upload a picture. And considering I put zero effort into learning the processes with which to do those things, I am completely baffled as to why I can't.

(If you're wondering why I'm apologizing, its because you have to hit the back button after you maximize the picture, or you close the whole site. And if you're like me, you can NEVER figure that out, even after closing the webpage 8 times in a row. Like I did, while editing these picture posts. Dammit.)


Aw, I kind of feel bad for making fun of my chemistry teacher. She is the unfair recipient of some latent rage against my current chem grade but the truth is, I should be mad at beer if I'm blaming anyone. But I could never be mad at beer. Ever.

I love you, beer.

Anyway, she is actually a very good teacher and god bless her for trying to inject some life into her lecture, even if it is in the form of hackneyed, borderline sexist "men hate everything that women do and women always have PMS" jokes and innuendo.

Sadly, all of these events actually did occur, in succession. Getting my head stapled back on was a bitch.

Keep in mind these are actual thoughts that I have during chemistry class. And I am so bored during lecture that drawing them into a cartoon is the only way I can maintain consciousness.

Of course,this doesn't in any way excuse the extreme geekiness and not-very-funniness of the cartoons but, there you have it.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

drunk dialing at its best

"I don't mean this in a sexual way, but you are hotter than a hooker."

--my dear non-best friend Rory, during a drunken phone call he made from a cabin in the middle of nowhere.

If I haven't already said it, everyone should check out Rory's website because the kid is funny and has actual dedication to his site, two traits that I personally don't possess.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

this post brought to you by the church of latter-day saints

It's 5:06AM. I have not slept since....12PM yesterday. I am to un-asleep to do that math. But I've been up for awhile. And not......tired. Don't understand. Can't complete full sentences.
Oh. no.

Just watched a program on PBS about the Mormon Church. Too much ridiculous information to put into one post. Did you know Mormons have an impenetrable cave in Salt Lake City that houses 2 billion names of deceased people (that were recorded)? The goal is to use these names to baptize people "in death" so they can get on the afterlife gravy train. This cave will literally withstand a nuclear attack. But I ask you, what of the living people, above ground? Shouldn't we be the ones with an impregnable fortress? If we're all toast, who is going to put our names into this catacomb? Who, dammit?!? Answer me, ghost of Joseph Smith!

Thinking about writing a play.

Thinking about writing a novel, too.

Thinking about taking a writing class and an art class over the summer.

Thinking about the odds that come summer I will abandon all these endeavors to commit myself fully to constructing a Slip-n-Slide obstacle course.

Thinking about purchasing a Slip-n-Slide immediately.

But seriously, has anyone out there ever had any of their writing published? I am curious how difficult/ego-deflating it is. And, yes, I consider a two-column farmers market review in the PennySaver as published work. Gotta start small.

Labels: , ,

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

in the life

I should get out of bed, I have class at 7:30AM. Who schedules a class at 7:30zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

If I get out of bed now, I could potentially make it to my claszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Shoot, I only have 15 minutes to go to class. I guess I could get up now and come to class latezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Dammit!! Ok, ok, I really should get up and just go late. He is handing out an assignment and my lab partner always picks up my work for me and I shouldn't keep taking advantage of that. But I won't have any time to wash my hair or put on makeup. Ew, never mindzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Why do I keep waking up? Oh right, the dog keeps kicking me in the face.

Wait, why is the dog laying upside down next to me, giving him the perfect position to kick me in the face?

I am going to kick my dog in the face.

Oh my god, I can't believe I just kicked my dog two days after he had intensive knee surgery. I'll remember to give him an extra treat when I wake upzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

If I get up NOW, I can make it to my chem teacher's office hours. But I'm so embarrassed to go, since I'm tanking in her class. I don't want that judgemental bitch helping me improve my gradezzzzzzzzzzzz.

I can't believe I called my teacher a judgemental bitch. I need to get up. I'm acting like a child. But I'm exhausted and I never get to sleep in and you're a meanie-head!
Shut up, little YMG!!!
You're such a bitczzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Where did you learn that language young ladyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Oh my god, I slept in! I'm a terrible lazy person! But I feel so different. I feel...refreshed! Energetic! So this is what sleep is supposed to do! If I could just get a good night's sleep every night then---- Oh wait, feelings gone. It was just a head rush. God, I need some coffee.

Mmm coffee. Man, I want a cigarette. No. Can't have one.

Mmmm coffee. Man, I want a cigarette. No. Can't have one.

Mmmm coffee. Mmmm cigarette.

God, I disgust myself. Why don't I just take a hammer to my face instead of smoking? I know how bad they both are for me but at least the hammer won't make my LUNGS ROT. That's it, I'm not smoking another cigarette ever.

Man, I want a cigarette. Also, my chest hurts.

Good thing I ate an apple to counteract the effects of that cigarette. But my chest still hurts.

Ok, now that I'm up and skipped my classes, I should at least do some homework.

I can't believe I just did some homework! I am awesome. If you subtract the time I spent googling Amy Winehouse, reading Perez Hilton and Questionable Content and writing some non-class related stories, I did like...TEN whole minutes of work! Man, I'm wiped out.

I'll watch a little TV as a reward.

Wow, daytime television sucks. Even the Mexican soap operas are dull. Wait, I think that woman is about to marry a donkey... but she doesn't realize it's a donkey! This could be entertaining. No, never mind...they're having a civil ceremony. Bo-ring.

Surely PBS will have something exciting to watch.

Wow, I couldn't be more wrong.

But this show is about jazz music. I should watch it. Everyone seems to be into jazz lately. Wow, the commentator's job title says "Writer/Cultural Critic". You can be a critic of culture?!? I can do that!
"Everything sucks."
See! Easy!

Crap the neighbors just caught me talking to myself again.

Oh no, another commercial about male erectile enhancement. Can't...stop...watching. Ew ew ew! It's for really old people!! Ew!! Are those old people going to do it?! Old people don't have sex!!! Nooooo! I have to change the channel before they---OH MY GOD THEY ARE GAZING AT EACH OTHER SENSUALLY. They're like 97 years old! Ew ew ew!! Oh my god, where's the remote?? I can't find the remote! SWEET JEBUS I CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE OF oh wait here it is. Click.

Man, I want a cigarette.

Ok, break time is over. I should work out or something. AHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHA!


Ahahahahahahah. Ahah. Ha. Wow.

Ok back to homework, for real this time.

OK. Starting homework....now. Right now. Seriously. Pick up the book. Pick it up! Now. Ok, NOW.

Hey! I bet this would make a good blog entry!! Homework break!!!

Blogarama - The Blog Directory

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?