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Tuesday, June 14, 2005

I live in San Diego. Pacific Beach, specifically, and around here everyone seems to think We Are The Chosen People because we're within 5 hours of almighty LA. And since we are living near the center of the universe, its every man, woman and dog's job to be on the cutting edge of fashion. Retch. And I thought it was bad enough watching sorority girls at Penn State imitating (badly) the fashions they saw in a two-month old copy of Cosmo. I still develop an angry twitch when I see a girl with a trucker hat, floofy skirt and nasty Uggs.

But now, outfits are much more complicated.
For instance, I don't get this whole, "boho chic" look. I see it everywhere. In the magazines, in the stores, on the streets. Even the bag ladies in my neighborhood are looking more hip than me. What am I missing here? (if you are fortunate enough to not know what "boho" even means, please educate yourself with this link)
I guess the first problem is that I don't like wearing more than ONE of something. I'm fine with my one shirt, thank you very much mister. But to these boho's, why wear one shirt, when you can where FIVE? And make sure they're all different sizes, textures, colors and sleeve lengths. Then pair it with a skirt or two, a pair of jeans, some leggins, a couple shawls, a hat and about 40 lbs of bead necklaces. There. Oh! Don't forget your enormous gold lamé bag...you'll need it to store your back-up set of clothing, in case one of your many long, flowey, trailing articles gets stuck on a nail, or caught in an escalator, or wrapped around the head of a passerby and then ripped off.

And don't be fooled. Living in SoCal doesn't mean that the guys around here dress like laid back surfers. No, they wear equally nonsensical and silly looking clothing. Like the now-famous pink Lacoste shirt with a popped collar and a SINGLE sweatband, worn at the elbow. WHY?! WHAT ARE THESE THINGS FOR!?!?!
Why pop the collar? What are you protecting your neck from? The harsh noonday sun? Bad neck acne? And the sweatband? Why just one? Do only one of your arms sweat? Do you wear it at your elbow because you suffer from a condition where a single elbow sweats uncontrollably? (Most likely the same affliction that gives you terrible neck zits)

Everyone else around here doesn't do much better. The dogs are often dressed in expensive outfits or stuffed into purses (remember with the boho look, you want to carry at least 2, even 3 minitiature dogs on you). The old locals usually wear one or two peices of Body Glove spandex, thereby allowing them to continue tanning their skin into a nice orangey leather. And the homeless...well, actually, the homeless are often dressed better than me. The thrift shops in PB are different than in PA. Back home, you find the usual stuff on the racks: green Hanes sweatpants in XXXL and about 30-40 different t-shirts with some variation of Tweety or Taz on them. But around here, the Goodwill's carry old Christian Dior tops and Seven jeans. And they're usually PACKED with stuff, cause everything everyone wears is sooo five minutes ago.
Its too depressing to even try to keep up with the trends. Thats why I just wear the paper bags I get from Trader Joe's. Just a couple snips of the scissors and voila! I have a sweet tunic, skirt and awesome helmet. Whats up now, homeless dude?

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