Thursday, June 30, 2005
it isn' t bad luck....its God's wacky sense of humor
well today marked Day 1 of my triathlon training. By the way, there is no second "a" in triathlon. Google informed me its not spelled "triathalon"...even though it freaking sounds like it. Oh, and it’s not nucUlear by the way. It’s nuclear. Remember that. I don’t want you to learn the hard way, like I did…saying nuke-YOU-ler to my grandfather…who also happens to be a nuclear engineer. Geez you’d think I’d spit on the grave of General Patton the way he went off about that…
Where was I? Oh yes.
I had originally started out training for a half-marathon, because my dad had just qualified for the Boston marathon and I was inspired. Or maybe I was just trying yet another desperate, crackpot scheme to gain his approval and love. I can’t really remember what started it, but anyway I began running every day in order to build up an endurance base. Well, thing were going swimmingly…or runningly (haha, that’s a little running humor right there. It might not be funny to you, but to us runners its comic GOLD) and I was feeling really great until BAM! Out of nowhere this kid comes up to me and asks me to marry him. I was too distracted by a banana I was eating to really think clearly so I said “Yes” and here we are! (Just kidding!! I love my Mikey very much and we all know the real story…I was actually eating a Balance bar)
So, a more organized…or mentally stable…person may have been able to take this event in stride (STRIDE, get it??? No? Dammit people, I’m telling you ..runners eat this stuff up!!) but I am a “special needs” kind of person and so thusly fell into a complete tailspin.
I started spending my nights binge drinking and ogling china patterns in the latest issues of Modern Bride. I was a complete mess. Next thing I know, its six months later and I wake up covered in swatches of dress material and reeking of stale Champayno. Luckily I was able to pull myself together and that brings us to today.
I went on my first bike ride. Before I can even THINK about racing, I need to build an endurance base that consists of 20 minutes of continuous swimming, 30 minutes of biking and 20 minutes of running. So, being the go-getter that I am, I hopped on my bike and took off for 30 minutes of biking adventure.
Thirty – one minutes later, I stumble back to my apartment and literally toss my bike into the garage, striking my bus in the process (BONUS!!). My goodness it was hard. My legs are wobbly and I feel kinda woozy. Now before you laugh you ass off at me, you need to keep in mind a few key points:
(a) I am an AWFUL bike rider with almost no experience. I just never really picked it up. I learned to ride my bike late in childhood…and my lessons were regularly punctuated with painful collisions. I remember one in particular where I was careening down a hill, out-of-control, and ran right into a group of pedestrians, which launched me off my bike, over their heads and onto the ground below. I think the only reason the good Lord didn’t let me get paralyzed is because he would miss out on watching more of my zany biking catastrophes if I was a quadriplegic.
(2) I was riding around the bay…which if you didn’t know is an area that defies meteorological law by having the wind blow into you from EVERY DIRECTION. If you are moving north…the wind is blowing at you…turn around and walk south! Uh oh!! The wind is blowing at you!! Lie face down on the ground…somehow, the wind is still blowing at you. So I had to ride into gale force winds for the entire ride
(Point 3) I was doing my riding on my little beach cruiser. That’s right, my shiny pink bike with chrome wheel guards. Aside from being pink, it also has NO gears and to brake you have to backpedal. So any hill or grade I had to muscle my way through. Luckily I now have amazon-like TREE TRUNK legs so this wasn’t a problem. No kidding. Some people lose weight by running and lifting weights. I, however, gained about 5lbs of muscle and applied it directly to my ass and legs. That was another good one, God. Hope you're laughing it up.
Later today, I’ll attempt to run, if I gain the feeling back in my legs. And then next week…there’s swimming. Did I mention I was the only person in my 1st grade swim class to NOT jump off the diving board? I do however hold the record for “longest and most intense complete freak-out ever held on a diving board” at my school, so I should be fine….
Where was I? Oh yes.
I had originally started out training for a half-marathon, because my dad had just qualified for the Boston marathon and I was inspired. Or maybe I was just trying yet another desperate, crackpot scheme to gain his approval and love. I can’t really remember what started it, but anyway I began running every day in order to build up an endurance base. Well, thing were going swimmingly…or runningly (haha, that’s a little running humor right there. It might not be funny to you, but to us runners its comic GOLD) and I was feeling really great until BAM! Out of nowhere this kid comes up to me and asks me to marry him. I was too distracted by a banana I was eating to really think clearly so I said “Yes” and here we are! (Just kidding!! I love my Mikey very much and we all know the real story…I was actually eating a Balance bar)
So, a more organized…or mentally stable…person may have been able to take this event in stride (STRIDE, get it??? No? Dammit people, I’m telling you ..runners eat this stuff up!!) but I am a “special needs” kind of person and so thusly fell into a complete tailspin.
I started spending my nights binge drinking and ogling china patterns in the latest issues of Modern Bride. I was a complete mess. Next thing I know, its six months later and I wake up covered in swatches of dress material and reeking of stale Champayno. Luckily I was able to pull myself together and that brings us to today.
I went on my first bike ride. Before I can even THINK about racing, I need to build an endurance base that consists of 20 minutes of continuous swimming, 30 minutes of biking and 20 minutes of running. So, being the go-getter that I am, I hopped on my bike and took off for 30 minutes of biking adventure.
Thirty – one minutes later, I stumble back to my apartment and literally toss my bike into the garage, striking my bus in the process (BONUS!!). My goodness it was hard. My legs are wobbly and I feel kinda woozy. Now before you laugh you ass off at me, you need to keep in mind a few key points:
(a) I am an AWFUL bike rider with almost no experience. I just never really picked it up. I learned to ride my bike late in childhood…and my lessons were regularly punctuated with painful collisions. I remember one in particular where I was careening down a hill, out-of-control, and ran right into a group of pedestrians, which launched me off my bike, over their heads and onto the ground below. I think the only reason the good Lord didn’t let me get paralyzed is because he would miss out on watching more of my zany biking catastrophes if I was a quadriplegic.
(2) I was riding around the bay…which if you didn’t know is an area that defies meteorological law by having the wind blow into you from EVERY DIRECTION. If you are moving north…the wind is blowing at you…turn around and walk south! Uh oh!! The wind is blowing at you!! Lie face down on the ground…somehow, the wind is still blowing at you. So I had to ride into gale force winds for the entire ride
(Point 3) I was doing my riding on my little beach cruiser. That’s right, my shiny pink bike with chrome wheel guards. Aside from being pink, it also has NO gears and to brake you have to backpedal. So any hill or grade I had to muscle my way through. Luckily I now have amazon-like TREE TRUNK legs so this wasn’t a problem. No kidding. Some people lose weight by running and lifting weights. I, however, gained about 5lbs of muscle and applied it directly to my ass and legs. That was another good one, God. Hope you're laughing it up.
Later today, I’ll attempt to run, if I gain the feeling back in my legs. And then next week…there’s swimming. Did I mention I was the only person in my 1st grade swim class to NOT jump off the diving board? I do however hold the record for “longest and most intense complete freak-out ever held on a diving board” at my school, so I should be fine….
# posted by yellow_mustard_girl : 11:34 AM
