.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Idiosyncrasy is the new black

Here, for your reading amusement, is a random sampling of my daily idiosyncrasies. (A better title might be, Stupid things I do on a Regular Basis, but "eccentricities" or "quirks" sounds much more adorable).

1.) I literally spend fifteen minutes in the soup aisle at Ralph's agonizing over the sodium content in each brand of soup. I finally choose a few cans with only 3% sodium per serving and triumphantly scamper home, knowing that I will live another day without hardened arteries. But as soon as I get home and heat up a can, it only takes one spoonful before I realize (yet again) that salt = tasty. I end up pouring about 2 inches of rock salt into my bowl and feel my organs practically pucker from dehydration. Of course, I will repeat this entire process next week.

2.) I buy one of those eye masks you wear at night so that I can fall asleep faster; by wearing one I won't be distracted by pesky lights or shadows in the room. It only lasts about ten minutes on my head before I have a panic attack: What if I won't be able to see the burglar/rapist/vampire that is creeping towards my bed? I can't have this thing covering my eyes!!! I rip the mask off and revert back to my old way of sleeping: with my head sandwiched between two pillows, clutching a head of garlic.

3.) I avoid making phone calls and answering my cellphone at all times to avoid any minute possibility of awkward conversation or long, embarrassing pauses. Friends and family members stop calling me because I refuse to answer my phone, even when I'm standing across the room, making direct eye contact with them while they're dialing. Even though I snub all phone conversation, I of course feel incredibly sad and neglected when no one calls or leaves me voicemails. This depression further deepens my anxiety; the fewer phone calls I get, the greater the pressure to not sound like a retard! Eventually I will end up selling all my possessions, moving into a cave and talking to my hand in order to avoid normal conversation with ANYONE.

4.) Every three or four days, I find myself in the throes of a terrible stomach ache. These are always brought on by eating my bodyweight in some kind of food (sushi, tortilla chips, cookies, shoe leather, etc). And each time, I swear on the grave of Bettie Crocker that I will never ever again eat so much of the said food (cooking lard, jelly beans, scrapple, etc). And inevitably, three or four days later I'm in the super mark-down aisle at Smart and Final, clutching a 5lb bag of expired Mexican pork rinds and saying, "Made from real Mexican pig and pig-related parts? Sounds delish!!"

Comments: Post a Comment



<< Home

Blogarama - The Blog Directory

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?