Friday, September 23, 2005
when in doubt, blame it on that 40 ounce of malt liquor
So, I've committed myself to writing down every single mildly humorous thing that pops into my head throughout the day. I feel like the only times I'm actually clever are completely random and inconvenient...Like when I'm slumped up against the shower wall, half-asleep. And later, when I can repeat my funny observation to an actual person, it's impossible to remember what I had thought up in the shower. Alcohol has killed off my slowest and my fastest brain cells, and left in its wake a vast and empty tundra of brain goo. Quite honestly, with the amount of Mickey's Ice and Adam Sandler movies I've consumed, I'm lucky if I wake up and remember what pants are used for.
But I digress.
It has been a challenge to write down every little" gem" that I think of, especially if I'm stuck in an elevator with just a Sharpee and the back of some guy's neck. It takes at least 10 dollars for him to let me write on him, and another $20 to follow me home, so I can transcribe his neck onto my laptop. And sometimes its one of those hairy Armenian guys, and the entire experience is just plain unpleasant.
I have managed to capture some thoughts however, and after typing them out and reading them out loud, I've come to realize that stuff said in my brain sounds a lot better than when I introduce it into reality. Maybe that's because I say everything in my head with a cheeky English accent. But too bad for you, I'm posting them all anyway.
Random thoughts while lying in bed at 12:45AM
- Why does grape or banana "flavor" taste completely unlike the actual fruit that its supposed to be imitating? Shouldn't we just stop kidding ourselves and give these flavors completely new names to reflect their drastically different tastes? Or at the very least, if we can't assign names, we should treat these flavors like a red-headed stepchild and make it clear to the world that grape or banana flavor does not have any natural relation to the parent fruit, whatsoever. So just stop acting like you're part of the family, you brat!
- Wouldn't it be embarrassing if you died by choking to death on a piece of "Death by Chocolate" cake?? God, the irony of it would be mortifying. If the chunk of cake didn't kill you, I think the total humiliation would.
- Why did that Mexican guy yell at me the other day when I accidentally ordered him to pull out maracas and sing La Cucaracha? I wasn't trying to be insulting, I just wanted to be entertained, dammit!! I couldn't make out a word he was saying anyway, it was series of grunts laced with Spanish profanity. Look, sir, I don't know much Spanish beyond the value menu at the local 24 hour taco stand. And as far as I'm concerned, burrito means "$1.99 worth of post-drinking goodness."**
**Mexico is a diverse country, rich in culture and tasty burritos, and I do not mean to disrespect any of it's fair citizens. For every false and hurtful Mexican stereotype I used in this post, I will give one dollar to the man I harassed. After he sings me that song, of course.
But I digress.
It has been a challenge to write down every little" gem" that I think of, especially if I'm stuck in an elevator with just a Sharpee and the back of some guy's neck. It takes at least 10 dollars for him to let me write on him, and another $20 to follow me home, so I can transcribe his neck onto my laptop. And sometimes its one of those hairy Armenian guys, and the entire experience is just plain unpleasant.
I have managed to capture some thoughts however, and after typing them out and reading them out loud, I've come to realize that stuff said in my brain sounds a lot better than when I introduce it into reality. Maybe that's because I say everything in my head with a cheeky English accent. But too bad for you, I'm posting them all anyway.
Random thoughts while lying in bed at 12:45AM
- Why does grape or banana "flavor" taste completely unlike the actual fruit that its supposed to be imitating? Shouldn't we just stop kidding ourselves and give these flavors completely new names to reflect their drastically different tastes? Or at the very least, if we can't assign names, we should treat these flavors like a red-headed stepchild and make it clear to the world that grape or banana flavor does not have any natural relation to the parent fruit, whatsoever. So just stop acting like you're part of the family, you brat!
- Wouldn't it be embarrassing if you died by choking to death on a piece of "Death by Chocolate" cake?? God, the irony of it would be mortifying. If the chunk of cake didn't kill you, I think the total humiliation would.
- Why did that Mexican guy yell at me the other day when I accidentally ordered him to pull out maracas and sing La Cucaracha? I wasn't trying to be insulting, I just wanted to be entertained, dammit!! I couldn't make out a word he was saying anyway, it was series of grunts laced with Spanish profanity. Look, sir, I don't know much Spanish beyond the value menu at the local 24 hour taco stand. And as far as I'm concerned, burrito means "$1.99 worth of post-drinking goodness."**
**Mexico is a diverse country, rich in culture and tasty burritos, and I do not mean to disrespect any of it's fair citizens. For every false and hurtful Mexican stereotype I used in this post, I will give one dollar to the man I harassed. After he sings me that song, of course.
# posted by yellow_mustard_girl : 7:30 AM
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It's a little too late now, but I am glad that I work in health care. Before I read some of your posts next time, I will be sure to put on a disposable brief. So when I lose bowel and/or bladder continence while laughing, it won't be quite so embarrasing.
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