Friday, October 07, 2005
mmm a tasty slice of yellow mustard pie
Lots of people approach me on the streets and say, "Hey, attractive and hip-looking stranger, I want to be like you. Tell me what kinds of things are you interested in, so that I may leech some of your coolness for myself." And I, being of the generous nature, regale them with long descriptions of my taste in food, clothing and expensive foreign manservants. These people listen in rapt silence, and when I'm done, they usually burst into uncontrollable laughter. Bastards.
But of course, I have the last laugh when I KEY their cars as an act of revenge. No wait, they still have the last laugh. In my rage lust, I usually end up keying my name and current mailing address into the side of their Ford Fiesta. About once a week I get a knock on my door and it's an irate keyed-car victim on my doorstep, wielding a mace. No, not the pepper spray, but the actual pointy medieval weapon. You may say to yourself, "Hey, why don't you just start asking who's at the door before you open it?" Well I TRY, but these people always have extremely convincing stories:
*Doorbell rings*
Me (from behind the door): Who is it?
Mace-wielding stranger: You don't know me.
Me: Are you going to attack me with a medieval weapon if I open this door?
Mace-wielding stranger: No.
Me: That sounds believable! Come on in!
...You can imagine the rest. Anyway, to save myself some pain, I decided to describe my interests from the safety of my own heavily padlocked home.
What I'm listening to:
Last time I counted, I have roughly 200 CDs. My CDs are essentially more valuable than my entire net worth. I guess that's good? Anyway, lately I've been listening to:
Pete Yorn - Day I Forgot
Blackalicious - The Craft
Nirvana - In Utero
Travis - The Invisible Band
The New Pornographers - Electric Version
OkGo - Oh, No
Death Cab for Cutie - We have the Facts and We're voting Yes (it's hard to listen to them when I know they're featured prominently on the OC, but I still try)
And what day would be complete without the sounds of Herve, my puppy, dry heaving up a piece of foam from the lining of a hockey mask we have inexplicably lying around the apartment. I am not making this up.
What I'm reading:
A Million Little Pieces - James Frey
Freakonomics - Steven D Levitt
Bad Habits - Dave Barry
Falls the Shadow - Susan K Penman
I Just Killed A Hooker, Now What Do I Do? - Christian Slater
Teach Yourself to Knit - Some old lady
(I bought this book...but did not buy yarn. It makes for extremely boring reading).
Learn About Famous Painters - back of my Ralph's brand frosted mini wheats box, surprisingly informative
What I'm watching:
Crash
Harold and Maude
Hostage
Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
Lost (I simultaneously love and HATE this show. JUST STICK WITH ONE PLOTLINE FOR MORE THAN 30 FUCKING MINUTES!!! MY BRAIN IS CHAFING!!)
Any version of CSI, even the god-awful one with Dave Caruso. They make science look SEXY!
Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Don't ask me why, but I love this show.)
Arrested Development
My Name is Earl
(I'd just like to point out the cruel irony that the two aforementioned TV shows are HILARIOUS, and well-written and well-ACTED, and yet will probably be CANCELLED...while shows like "According to Jim" are entering their fucking 6th season)
What I'm thinking:
God, I want Arby's right now. But its 9:54AM. Besides, I just had some scrambled eggs. I wonder what Josh Homme is doing right now. I wish I could play the drums. I should probably be doing some real work right now. I wonder if we can stop for Arby's on the way up to the campsite. Should I make some coffee? I think I just figured out what the meaning of my life is!...wait, no, I still just want Arby's. Where did this bruise come from?
..yeah I know, scary. But there you go, a little "slice o life" from me to you. I suggest you use my taste in music, TV and stream-of-consciousness thinking to mold and shape your own life. Because lets face it, if you're reading this, you really need help.**
** JUST KIDDING! PLEASE DON'T STOP READING! I NEED ATTENTION!!!!
But of course, I have the last laugh when I KEY their cars as an act of revenge. No wait, they still have the last laugh. In my rage lust, I usually end up keying my name and current mailing address into the side of their Ford Fiesta. About once a week I get a knock on my door and it's an irate keyed-car victim on my doorstep, wielding a mace. No, not the pepper spray, but the actual pointy medieval weapon. You may say to yourself, "Hey, why don't you just start asking who's at the door before you open it?" Well I TRY, but these people always have extremely convincing stories:
*Doorbell rings*
Me (from behind the door): Who is it?
Mace-wielding stranger: You don't know me.
Me: Are you going to attack me with a medieval weapon if I open this door?
Mace-wielding stranger: No.
Me: That sounds believable! Come on in!
...You can imagine the rest. Anyway, to save myself some pain, I decided to describe my interests from the safety of my own heavily padlocked home.
What I'm listening to:
Last time I counted, I have roughly 200 CDs. My CDs are essentially more valuable than my entire net worth. I guess that's good? Anyway, lately I've been listening to:
Pete Yorn - Day I Forgot
Blackalicious - The Craft
Nirvana - In Utero
Travis - The Invisible Band
The New Pornographers - Electric Version
OkGo - Oh, No
Death Cab for Cutie - We have the Facts and We're voting Yes (it's hard to listen to them when I know they're featured prominently on the OC, but I still try)
And what day would be complete without the sounds of Herve, my puppy, dry heaving up a piece of foam from the lining of a hockey mask we have inexplicably lying around the apartment. I am not making this up.
What I'm reading:
A Million Little Pieces - James Frey
Freakonomics - Steven D Levitt
Bad Habits - Dave Barry
Falls the Shadow - Susan K Penman
I Just Killed A Hooker, Now What Do I Do? - Christian Slater
Teach Yourself to Knit - Some old lady
(I bought this book...but did not buy yarn. It makes for extremely boring reading).
Learn About Famous Painters - back of my Ralph's brand frosted mini wheats box, surprisingly informative
What I'm watching:
Crash
Harold and Maude
Hostage
Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
Lost (I simultaneously love and HATE this show. JUST STICK WITH ONE PLOTLINE FOR MORE THAN 30 FUCKING MINUTES!!! MY BRAIN IS CHAFING!!)
Any version of CSI, even the god-awful one with Dave Caruso. They make science look SEXY!
Sabrina the Teenage Witch (Don't ask me why, but I love this show.)
Arrested Development
My Name is Earl
(I'd just like to point out the cruel irony that the two aforementioned TV shows are HILARIOUS, and well-written and well-ACTED, and yet will probably be CANCELLED...while shows like "According to Jim" are entering their fucking 6th season)
What I'm thinking:
God, I want Arby's right now. But its 9:54AM. Besides, I just had some scrambled eggs. I wonder what Josh Homme is doing right now. I wish I could play the drums. I should probably be doing some real work right now. I wonder if we can stop for Arby's on the way up to the campsite. Should I make some coffee? I think I just figured out what the meaning of my life is!...wait, no, I still just want Arby's. Where did this bruise come from?
..yeah I know, scary. But there you go, a little "slice o life" from me to you. I suggest you use my taste in music, TV and stream-of-consciousness thinking to mold and shape your own life. Because lets face it, if you're reading this, you really need help.**
** JUST KIDDING! PLEASE DON'T STOP READING! I NEED ATTENTION!!!!
# posted by yellow_mustard_girl : 9:16 AM
Comments:
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I always relate so well to those Arby's on the brain commercials. I won't an "A" like that attached to a wire halo so I can hang it on my head.
And I also ironically was going to write about my recent taste in television. May I also suggest "The Office"
And I also ironically was going to write about my recent taste in television. May I also suggest "The Office"
God I really need to start previewing these now that I've developed dislexia. I meant 'want' not 'won't'
Yes, My name Is Earl is hilarious, and According To Jim is going to last forever, due to the fact that it is controlled by Satan.
I always thought that is was just a joke when someone told me that California was "The Land of Fruit and Nuts." I'm not so sure anymore.
Good work! Keep it up.
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Good work! Keep it up.
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