Yellow Mustard Blog

Don't ask me about the post title. It came at the request of a deranged fan. I don't understand you little people, but I wouldn't have my fame and fortune and secret volcano lair if it weren't for you...so I have to give you what you want.

So, the other day I was watching some stupid television show on ABC or whatever and I realized, wow, these shows are so freaking bad I could be writing their material. (Seriously, I could cough up something onto a piece of paper and send it in and America would find it funnier than these shows. Although, to be fair, I should tell you that I also have a rare disease that causes all of my coughs and sneezes to come out as knock-knock jokes.)

I'm pretty confident I could bang out my very own brand-new sitcom, send it in tomorrow, and it would be snapped up by one of these white-bread networks in a matter of seconds. I'd be filthy rich!! Here's a sample of witty dialogue from the pilot:

Man: Hello my sassy, back-talking no-nonsense wife. You are looking extremely hot today, which makes it all the more inexplicable that you're married to a fat slob like me.

Woman: Hi, my fat, hairy and borderline illiterate husband! You know it's funny, I should find you utterly repulsive, yet for some reason I'm sexually attracted to you. Like, right now.

Man: I know, that is weird. You know what else is odd? How can we afford to live in this large and attractively decorated house when I'm a welder and you have no formal education?

Woman: Hahaha! Or how about the fact that you're cracking open your 3rd beer and you've only been home 10 minutes? Isn't it hilarious that I'm able to see past your profound alcoholism morbid obesity...and love you for the retarded bigot that you are?
Wiley old coot of a grandma hobbles in

Grandma: Add this to the crazy list...I've escaped from my nursing home and moved in with you, and instead of thanking you, all I produce is scathing critiscm and bizarre anecdotal advice. Yet you still haven't smothered me in my sleep!!

Man: Yet!

Entire family laughs
Jailbait sexpot daughter bounces in

Girl: Hi, stupid family!! I'm a total slut!

Woman: I'm not concerned with the fact that you are clearly having unprotected sex in your room and probably stealing money and pills from your father and I...or that you're breasts are far too large for a 14 year old...but I AM mad that you got a temporary tattoo at the mall!! I thought I raised you better!!

Girl: I hate you!! You just don't understand me!!!

Daughter runs out of the room, crying. Dad sneaks look at her ass as she leaves.
Smart-mouthed pervert son saunters in.

Boy: I'm only twelve but even I can tell her boobs are fake!
Canned laughter

Boy: By the way, last week I conned Dad out of $5,000 which my friends and I used to build a sex-robot in the basement. Just thought I'd illustrate yet again that I'm only in 5th grade, yet I'm the smartest one in this family.

Man: But I thought that was a science project!

Boy: Oh, Dad, you drunk!
Everyone laughs.
Obnoxious neighbor pokes head through window

Obnoxious neighbor: Where are my hedgeclippers?

Man: Oh Stanley, don't you have a dead wife to mourn?

Obnoxious neighbor: Hahaha! No, Bob, I soothe the pain and loneliness of being widowed by engaging in acts of voyeurism and stalking the people closest to me. By the way, Sally, I didn't know you liked thong underwear!

Woman: Oh Stanley! You wacky neighbor, you!
More canned laughter

Obnoxious neighbor: Seriously, where the fuck are my hedgeclippers?
More canned laughter
Cut to commercial

Cut it! Can it! Bag it! Send it to Hollywood!! You can look for me at the next Emmy Awards. I just need a title. I'm thinking, "Yes Dear, According to a Fat Man is Still Standing with Family Matters"