Wednesday, February 22, 2006
girls are dumb
Excuses girls use to explain weight gain:
"I'm having my period. It's lasted about 6 months now."
"It's just water weight....I'm retaining water from that 1/2 lb of kosher salt I ate last night"
"These are heavy shoes"
"Muscle weighs more than fat." (Said while grabbing love handles)
"This scale is off by 10 lbs"
"I'm a skinny 180lbs"
"I have to pee, my bladder is making me heavier"
"My hair weighs at least 2lbs"
"I think I shrunk these jeans and my shirt and my socks and my bra and underwear in the wash."
"The camera adds 10 - 45 lbs...to each leg"
"This mirror must be warped or something, my stomach looks like its bulging out. That's weird. Hey, pass the Fritos"
"I have dense bones, I drink A LOT of milk(shakes). "
And my own personal excuse? That would have to be the one that goes:
"I don't know it keeps happening but I keep getting in my car and randomly driving to the Bahia burrito place and accidentally ordering a Surfer Gigante burrito with chips and then somehow, I trip and it lands in my mouth and I'm forced to chew and swallow it or I'll suffocate. Also sometimes I'll innocently manipulate Mike into buying me a Dairy Queen blizzard. It can't be the junk food though its probably just the stress, I heard that like, swells your fat cells or something."
Hahaahaha, too bad this is true. Well everything except the accidental and innocent part. My job is reaching critical mass, I pretty much have a panic attack every day. In the midst of that, and planning the wedding and determining how I will survive once I quit my job, I just have been chain swallowing burritos and cheeseburgers and ice cream. I don't know why. Well, yes I do. It tastes good and I'm too tired and fried to make an effort to eat anything else. Why don't they have a SALAD delivery place??
I'm not about to turn this into a whiney fatgirl blog, (you know, the kind that goes, "I looooooooooove chocolate. Why can't chocolate be calorie free? I wish there was an RDA for chocolate because I looove chocolate so much. But I can't have it, cause it makes me fat. But it's sooooooooooooooo goood." ) but I am going to say that, well...damn. It is frustrating to be three months away from my wedding and be gaining weight. not a lot. in fact, I know many, many people that would beat me with their own foot for saying that I have gained weight at all but, guess what. This is cyber space, baby. You can't hurt what doesn't technically exist in a tangible sense or something like that.
I guess what I'm saying is, it's hard to be a girl. It's even harder to be a neurotic girl with a shitty job, an impending wedding, an uncertain future and an elevated anxiety level due to her perceived need to look freakin amazing at her wedding. And a crippling addiction to Dairy Queen chocolate oreo blizzards.
Ok, I think I've used the word chocolate like, 6 times in this post already, that is a clear sign it's time to stop typing before I reach maximum female stereotypical-ness. I guess my post about PMS cramps, eyebrow waxing and Ashley Judd movies will have to wait.
"I'm having my period. It's lasted about 6 months now."
"It's just water weight....I'm retaining water from that 1/2 lb of kosher salt I ate last night"
"These are heavy shoes"
"Muscle weighs more than fat." (Said while grabbing love handles)
"This scale is off by 10 lbs"
"I'm a skinny 180lbs"
"I have to pee, my bladder is making me heavier"
"My hair weighs at least 2lbs"
"I think I shrunk these jeans and my shirt and my socks and my bra and underwear in the wash."
"The camera adds 10 - 45 lbs...to each leg"
"This mirror must be warped or something, my stomach looks like its bulging out. That's weird. Hey, pass the Fritos"
"I have dense bones, I drink A LOT of milk(shakes). "
And my own personal excuse? That would have to be the one that goes:
"I don't know it keeps happening but I keep getting in my car and randomly driving to the Bahia burrito place and accidentally ordering a Surfer Gigante burrito with chips and then somehow, I trip and it lands in my mouth and I'm forced to chew and swallow it or I'll suffocate. Also sometimes I'll innocently manipulate Mike into buying me a Dairy Queen blizzard. It can't be the junk food though its probably just the stress, I heard that like, swells your fat cells or something."
Hahaahaha, too bad this is true. Well everything except the accidental and innocent part. My job is reaching critical mass, I pretty much have a panic attack every day. In the midst of that, and planning the wedding and determining how I will survive once I quit my job, I just have been chain swallowing burritos and cheeseburgers and ice cream. I don't know why. Well, yes I do. It tastes good and I'm too tired and fried to make an effort to eat anything else. Why don't they have a SALAD delivery place??
I'm not about to turn this into a whiney fatgirl blog, (you know, the kind that goes, "I looooooooooove chocolate. Why can't chocolate be calorie free? I wish there was an RDA for chocolate because I looove chocolate so much. But I can't have it, cause it makes me fat. But it's sooooooooooooooo goood." ) but I am going to say that, well...damn. It is frustrating to be three months away from my wedding and be gaining weight. not a lot. in fact, I know many, many people that would beat me with their own foot for saying that I have gained weight at all but, guess what. This is cyber space, baby. You can't hurt what doesn't technically exist in a tangible sense or something like that.
I guess what I'm saying is, it's hard to be a girl. It's even harder to be a neurotic girl with a shitty job, an impending wedding, an uncertain future and an elevated anxiety level due to her perceived need to look freakin amazing at her wedding. And a crippling addiction to Dairy Queen chocolate oreo blizzards.
Ok, I think I've used the word chocolate like, 6 times in this post already, that is a clear sign it's time to stop typing before I reach maximum female stereotypical-ness. I guess my post about PMS cramps, eyebrow waxing and Ashley Judd movies will have to wait.
# posted by yellow_mustard_girl : 6:00 PM
Comments:
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Studies show that dark chocolate in moderation is very good at preventing heart disease and certain type of cancers because of its anti oxidant qualities.
# posted by 
: 8:50 AM
: 8:50 AM
some how i think this is gods way of punishing you for always saying you make a poor girl.(vengeful bastard) Plus you could show up in a garbage bad and still look beautiful at your wedding. so quit worrying. of course then you wouldnt have stuff for your blog (which by the way, very funny) sooooo i guess you should have another buritto :)
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# posted by : 11:53 AM
: 11:53 AM<< Home
