Yellow Mustard Blog

You know what I tend to sneak in a lot when writing? Comments about weight. And food. And dieting. I am not overweight. But I do have a freakish relationship with food. And I am a female. Females are obnoxious about their bodies. We loooove to talk about particular body parts and how we need to get in shape and how much we weighed at a certain time. Personally, I enjoy talking about how large my butt was at certain times in my life. Some people measure their lives in milestones and achievements. I measure mine in ass volume. For instance, I remember quite clearly that on May 5th, 2004 my ass pretty big. Oh, and I graduated from college. Pathetic? Ass-o-lutely. Word play! Aren't I cheeky? Pun!! Isn't that fun? Rhyming!! Better stop before I start using anagrams.

Well, anyway. This post is going to be my random musings on weight and stuff. (Are musings ever not random? I have never really had a specific series of musings. Is it muses? Wait, no that's the plural for moose.)

Diet tip #1. How does one "gear up" for a new, intense, sure-to-succeed weight loss plan? Why, by bingeing on all kinds of foods he or she will be "swearing off" for the next 3 weeks, or 3 months or 3 decades. FOOL PROOF, I TELL YOU.

Yeah, I do that often. Well, not often, simply because I tend to go long stretches of time successfully avoiding all cardiovascular activity. If I could get my hands on a Rascal, I'd quickly atrophy into Jabba-the-Girl.

Anyway, on the occasions when I am really serious, however, I do this. Its just so stupid. How many times have I said, "This is the last (cheesecake or burrito or cheeseburger) I am having for THREE MONTHS!" And two weeks later I get my period and I order a cheeseburger burrito with a side of cheesecake. "Oh ok ok, THIS is my last burrito. I swear!!!" Actually, I don't say those words, I usually just emit a series of grunts while rolling around in my dinner.

The problem is, I have these "triggers". Girls know what I'm talking about. It's the food that creates a chemical reaction in your body which causes all your cells to scream in unison, "Eat this food or we will get malignant on your ass!!"

For me, that food is usually cereal. I truly, truly cannot keep a box of cereal in the house for longer than 2 days. The concept of having ONE bowl in the morning for like, seven consecutive days, is completely lost on me. I usually have one bowl every hour, on the hour, until I run out of milk. Sigh. I have also been known to eat my cereal with water. That's a cry for help, right there.

Tortilla chips do that too, or goldfish...or really...anything doesn't have a concrete portion size. Oh sure, the package may say that 7 tortilla chips is a serving...but really...who eats SEVEN INDIVIDUAL CHIPS and then closes up the bag and goes, "Mmm! Satisfying!!"

Oh.
You do? You suck.

So anyway I try to stay away from those. But there are other things too....foods that for some reason, set off this flag in my head that there is a party in my mouth!! and that now that I've eaten this food, well it's game over, man. Game over. How can I be expected to eat "healthy" now!? This body tainting food is usually a giant bean burrito, or a Carl's Jr cheeseburger, or pizza. Sometimes I eat all three at the same time; I roll them up and skewer the whole thing with tent posts.
I often crave these things when I'm stressed or emotionally unstable. I want a cheeseburger. Cheeseburger will make everything better. And fries!! And an oreo shake!! YES! EDIBLE LOVE!!!

This is the part of the post where the boys go to the gym and play kickball while the girls have a "chat".

I try to avoid talking about my period in the blog or... in any situation, ever. It's not even about being lady-like or not grossing out boys. It's just 'cause...well, ew. But anyway, I have to say lately my period (I'm going to start calling it " my era" or "my epoch". Much more poetic) has caused me to eat in a very bizarre manner.

For most of my life the idea of PMS was foreign to me. I didn't get moody, didn't get cravings...at most I got some vague lower back crampiness. I used to roll my eyes at girls that were bitchy and wanted chocolate..."They're being so ridiculous," I'd think, "they're just blowing this whole PMS thing out of proportion." Weellll, I guess menstrual karma has caught up to me because for the past year or two I transform into this snappy, whiney, lethargic, binge-eating freakshow whenever the miracle of womanhood descends upon my life. I'll be in an absolutely rotten mood for no reason. I'll want to eat soft pretzels, and nothing but soft pretzels, for 72 hours straight. Walmart commercials make me cry. It's hell. (And you experienced PMS-ers can laugh or roll your eyes at me. I deserve it.)

Diet Tip #2. Good intentions burn calories! Guilt burns even more!!!

I always come out of the "healthy" starting block sprinting! I love making anal little lists and I have a whole complex "plan" in my head about how I'm going to eat and when I'm going to exercise.
I'll eat stuff like yogurt and oatmeal and baby carrots. I'll do 90 minutes of cardio. I will feel empowered! And then the next day, I am sore and bitchy and eating an oreo and cookie dough blizzard.

yeah.

That's pretty much how I roll.

I'm kind of like an abusive lover when it comes to my body. At first I'm all like, "Come on baby, I'll do a good job this time. I'll eat this salad and you know I'll get to the gym. I'm going to do it right this time, I swear."

And inevitably two days later my body goes, "Fuck this! Get me a burrito, woman!! Don't you DARE talk to me about cardio, or I swear to god, I will shove this cheesecake bar so far into your mouth, you be forced to chew and swallow it. And maybe unwrap another. Do you WANT that??? DO YOU?"

Phew, all this typing is kind of getting my heart rate up. I better stop. Don't want to get a cramp. Don't worry, I'll be back with more of my tips. Until then, take care. And let me know if you're going to Chipotle.