Yellow Mustard Blog

The title should read, "YMG secrets" with the italics meaning a whisper...just like they do it in those Conan O'Brien bits. I have been a devoted Conan fan since 8th grade. But I realized something after watching that "guy falling down a mountain in a kayak" skit for the 100th time: If you were to randomly select one episode of Conan and watch it, you would probably think it was a very unfunny show. But if you could somehow view an average of alll of his shows, then you'd think it's freaking hilarious. That's my justification for why I still watch it, night after night. Also, I want to mother Conan O' Brien's pasty little baby. (Even in spite of the fact that I'm STILL bitter about Andy Richter leaving the show).

Anywho, here are a few of my most shameful secrets, for you mocking pleasure:

1. I really, really like the TV shows, "Reba" and "Girlfriends". If you do not know what shows I'm talking about, I salute you. You are a far more couthe and intelligent being than I. If you do know what shows I'm talking about, then...HA! Welcome to trash-town, whitey!
Both shows are on the WB or the CW or the WNBA or whatever. I don't watch them religiously per se, but let's just say...if they come on, I won't shriek and frantically scramble for the remote to change the channel like I do with soap operas or ANYTHING on Lifetime (including the commercials on Lifetime). Ew, I feel dirty after typing Lifetime twice.

2. I have a birthmark on my left forearm that is shaped like a brain. Seriously...it forms a perfect brain ... it even has the cerebellum sticking out at the bottom, and everything! (Someday I'll scan a picture of it but for now you'll just have to take my word). Anyway, for many many years I did not consider my brain a birthmark. It was the brain that was on my arm, just as much as my nose is on my face. Eventually, I started to notice other people had birthmarks...but it still took me a few years to finally make the connection. "Wait a minute. You mean...my brain is...just...a birthmark?!" I was very upset about this epiphany for a long time. Luckily I have come to love my forearm brain again and have been working on making it do little dances when I flex.

3. When I was little I thought that Burger King was actually "Burger Cane" and Pizza Hut was "Pizza Hot." Which is cute and all, until my mother told me that I was wrong. I adamantly, militantly disagreed with her. It wasn't just an adorable little speech nuance anymore, I truly believed that I was privy to information that my mom wasn't. I could hear it was Pizza Hot. My poor mom was just another foolish plebian, deluded into thinking it's Pizza Hut. Doesn't Pizza Hot make more sense?? I would go on for hours lecturing my mother, "Pizza is hot, so obviously it's Pizza HOT, Mom. GEEZ." I was a toddler with a superiority complex.
Obviously at four, my reading skills weren't that developed; so my poor Mom really had no way of proving to me that I was wrong. Nonetheless, her gentle insistence planted a seed of doubt in my brain. For about 2 weeks after that, everytime a BK or Pizza Hut commercial came on, I would run to the TV and put my ear up against the speaker. I would strain and strain to hear the announcer say "Cane" and "Hot". I begrudgingly admitted defeat a short time later. (Secretly though, I still harbored the feeling that I was right. Until I learned how to read. Then I felt like a big jackass.)


The moral of the story is...if you are a four-year-old egotistical stubborn jackass...you will eventually grow up to be an egotistical stubborn jackass that can tie your own shoes.