Yellow Mustard Blog

Well, hello, gentle readers! I'm back after a self-imposed spiritual hiatus (ie moving into a new place). And now that I'm back, I'm madder than hell, and I'm not going to TAKE it any more!!!

What am I mad about? Maxim magazine.

Now don't get me wrong. Maxim and me go waaaaay back. I used to giggle with glee when one of my college guy friends would have it on the coffee table. I spent countless hours laughing my head off at their $250 Joke of the Month or articles like, "How to Make Prison Hooch" and "How to Remove Your Arm from A Bear Trap".

When one of those sheisty door-to-door magazine salespeople came to our door (and we stupidly bought TWO magazine subscriptions so little Johnny FuckFace could rasie enough "points" to join the rest of his sales team on their spring break to Cancun) I encouraged my husband to get a Maxim subscription.

And when they came in our mailbox, I was the first to read it, cover to cover. So what ended up pissing me off?

Well, it wasn't the hot tail featured on every cover. I know that if I was greased up with salad dressing and airbrushed to hell and back, I too would look as hot as Heidi Klum*
What got me in the end were those AWFUL, insipid interviews they had, in which the girl and the interviewer work in concert to make the reader believe that this particular girl is JUST LIKE A GUY, except that she has boobs, YAY! Not only is she just like a guy, but she also will have sex with ANYBODY, including....no, especially the fat virgin slobs that read the magazine.

The interviews are always full of leading, idiotic tidbits like:
"I love football. I especially love to watch it while shotgunning Pabst and eating buffalo chicken dip, naked."

"Did I ever tell you about the time I won my sororities Banana eating contest? I did it with my hands tied behind my back, naked."

"Likes: letting strangers rub oil on me, naked!!
Dislikes: guys that don't like gangbangs!"

And it doesn't matter WHAT profession this girl is, what she is doing with her life, her 'likes and dislikes and interests and influences are all the same. She could be a world-famous concert cellist and she'd say,

"Musical influences: Shaggy and that guy that did the soundtrack for "Coed Cumbucket 4"

Ugh.

So anyway, I've sworn off Maxim. Luckily, my husband seems content to ogle the specs of Popular Mechanics. And I'm going back to my roots....I just renewed my subscription to Jugs.
















*this is an enormous lie.