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Saturday, May 12, 2007

cows are going to kill us all

I have been an on and off vegetarian since freshman year of high school. I think the first time I did it was just as one of those requisite teenage phases. You know, like how Greg Brady decided to become a hippie and started wearing beaded headbands and lived up in the attic? That kind of phase.

Only instead of doing that I gave up meat. (I did experiment with beaded headbands though...)

But at some point I began to develop a true aversion to the way most meat tastes and looks. To this day I can't pull meat off a cooked chicken. It turns my stomach. And ground beef?! I still have nightmares about that stuff...

My school cafeteria used to serve it on "Nacho Day" and there was always this one really fat kid we all gave our beef cups to and then dare him to eat it and he would and it was disgusting. (Not the fat kid persay, but the river of orange grease that would flow from his chin and form a pool on the collar of his shirt. That was pretty gross.)

Anyway, I eventually adopted a bizarre quasi-vegetarianism that I keep to this day, one in which I eat eggs, fish and occasionally some deli turkey. In moments of extreme protein crisis I've been known to consume "meats", the stuff that through virtue of their over-processing barely resembled actual animal at all. ie, Chef-boy-R-dee meatballs, Steak-ums, McDonalds beef-flavored sandwiches...

I'll fall off the wagon every once in awhile, usually due to extreme laziness. But inevitably, I'll have some ghastly encounter with a meat product and run back screaming to the Land of Broccoli. (Like for instance, when I found pieces of shell in my canned tuna, or when my package of deli turkey came enveloped in a thick film of slime).

My point to all of this is that I am a vegetarian because I don't like the taste of meat. I have never, EVER been a vegetarian because I care about animals. Unlike some people, I don't think "animals are people too." No, you vegan douches, they're ANIMALS.

Look, I am not promoting purposely being cruel to animals...unless it's doing something really funny you can put on YouTube. (I'm kidding!!) It's just....why do some vegetarians claim they don't eat animals because "meat is murder?" In all seriousness I do think the meat-producing industry could be more humane and more sanitary. Sure, I'll sign a petition for that. But after that, meat still isn't murder. It's called a form of sustenance.

C'mon people. We aren't at the top of the food chain because we are snazzy dressers.

And really, what I find the most baffling is that MANY OTHER ANIMALS EAT OTHER ANIMALS. Do you think lions are sitting around going, "God, I'm starting to feel like a big fatty every time I eat an antelope. All those hip urban humans aren't eating meat anymore. Maybe I should give up eons worth of vital evolution and instinct and start eating this dry, tasteless grass."

Because really folks, what's next? After we've converted all the cruel human carnivores of the world into plant eaters, are we going to start going after the grizzly bears? The great white sharks?

And are you PETA-ers even aware that the very creatures you are trying to save from being eaten would kill you in less time than it takes to hand out one of your informative, graphic pamplets???? No smart-ass; I'm not talking about lions or tigers or bears. Those are obvious.

I'm saying: cows, chickens, Atlantic salmon, rabitts, boneless baby-backed calves, all of them...they want you to die. They are plotting against you AS I TYPE. You wanna know why most people eat meat? To quell the violent uprising of the herbivores!!!

That's right, fellow vegetarians. The meat-eating folk don't want to tell us that because they're hoping that us tofu-eaters will be turned on first, and potentially sate the farm animal blood-lust long enough for them to escape to their underground bunkers.

Conspiracy theory, you say?

Ok, carrot-munchers, you can believe that if it helps you sleep at night.

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I've been a complete vegetarian for almost five years, and as such, I feel qualified to say that I detest most vegans as much as regular douchebags. It's sad to see people so smug about their nutritional decisions, especially when they're as absurdly unhealthy as veganism is.

That said, I don't care what anyone else eats, or why. That's why I don't spout about why I'm a veggie unless someone specifically asks, and I don't criticize people for eating meat. Eat shit, I don't care. It's yer belly. It's also one more reason I hate preachy vegans. They're like preachy Christians, only worse...preachy vegans'll preach at you while you have a mouthful of eggs or yogurt, whereas most Christians don't interrupt services at say, a synagogue, to talk to folks about Jesus. (Mostly because they'd get their asses kicked, but whatever.)

The only mildly contentious thing I'd say in response to your post is that no, animals aren't people...but people are animals, and therefore it might make sense to treat other animals with a greater sense of respect and dignity. (Note: that doesn't necessarily mean not eating them. That's like, natural, and shit.)

I'mma go put my soapbox back under the bed now. Carry on.
I can't eat lobster or crab for a similar reason. I feel like I am ripping apart a giant mutant insect.

I have to order it out of the shell.
Show me an animal lower then us on the food chain that dresses better then we do...

Penguins don't count.

And I remember those ground beef cups they served with the nachos. Funny thing is, there was no meat in them.

And this better not detract from my post coming up where I mock vegetarians.

And damnit if I didn't just fail my word verification, how you going to make a word using a string that include 'vwwvw'
Well once again Helen has articulated my point far better and in fewer words!! Maybe I should just start copying her comments and posting them as my own. MWAHAHAHAHHHA. Or maybe I should have completed the 3rd grade and learnt how ter speek and rite.

But, amen: preachy 4th-level vegans >>> preachy religious right-wing pundits.

And that's saying a lot!!

P.S. On a more serious note, I completely agree that humans ARE animals (especially after my last evolutionary biology class) and I have actually signed many petitions and even attended a few rallies to support the humane treatment of animals.

P.P.S Ok, ok, a large reason I went to the rallies was for the tasty *free* vegetarian food. They had mock chicken parmesan!!!
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