Yellow Mustard Blog

I have been an on and off vegetarian since freshman year of high school. I think the first time I did it was just as one of those requisite teenage phases. You know, like how Greg Brady decided to become a hippie and started wearing beaded headbands and lived up in the attic? That kind of phase.

Only instead of doing that I gave up meat. (I did experiment with beaded headbands though...)

But at some point I began to develop a true aversion to the way most meat tastes and looks. To this day I can't pull meat off a cooked chicken. It turns my stomach. And ground beef?! I still have nightmares about that stuff...

My school cafeteria used to serve it on "Nacho Day" and there was always this one really fat kid we all gave our beef cups to and then dare him to eat it and he would and it was disgusting. (Not the fat kid persay, but the river of orange grease that would flow from his chin and form a pool on the collar of his shirt. That was pretty gross.)

Anyway, I eventually adopted a bizarre quasi-vegetarianism that I keep to this day, one in which I eat eggs, fish and occasionally some deli turkey. In moments of extreme protein crisis I've been known to consume "meats", the stuff that through virtue of their over-processing barely resembled actual animal at all. ie, Chef-boy-R-dee meatballs, Steak-ums, McDonalds beef-flavored sandwiches...

I'll fall off the wagon every once in awhile, usually due to extreme laziness. But inevitably, I'll have some ghastly encounter with a meat product and run back screaming to the Land of Broccoli. (Like for instance, when I found pieces of shell in my canned tuna, or when my package of deli turkey came enveloped in a thick film of slime).

My point to all of this is that I am a vegetarian because I don't like the taste of meat. I have never, EVER been a vegetarian because I care about animals. Unlike some people, I don't think "animals are people too." No, you vegan douches, they're ANIMALS.

Look, I am not promoting purposely being cruel to animals...unless it's doing something really funny you can put on YouTube. (I'm kidding!!) It's just....why do some vegetarians claim they don't eat animals because "meat is murder?" In all seriousness I do think the meat-producing industry could be more humane and more sanitary. Sure, I'll sign a petition for that. But after that, meat still isn't murder. It's called a form of sustenance.

C'mon people. We aren't at the top of the food chain because we are snazzy dressers.

And really, what I find the most baffling is that MANY OTHER ANIMALS EAT OTHER ANIMALS. Do you think lions are sitting around going, "God, I'm starting to feel like a big fatty every time I eat an antelope. All those hip urban humans aren't eating meat anymore. Maybe I should give up eons worth of vital evolution and instinct and start eating this dry, tasteless grass."

Because really folks, what's next? After we've converted all the cruel human carnivores of the world into plant eaters, are we going to start going after the grizzly bears? The great white sharks?

And are you PETA-ers even aware that the very creatures you are trying to save from being eaten would kill you in less time than it takes to hand out one of your informative, graphic pamplets???? No smart-ass; I'm not talking about lions or tigers or bears. Those are obvious.

I'm saying: cows, chickens, Atlantic salmon, rabitts, boneless baby-backed calves, all of them...they want you to die. They are plotting against you AS I TYPE. You wanna know why most people eat meat? To quell the violent uprising of the herbivores!!!

That's right, fellow vegetarians. The meat-eating folk don't want to tell us that because they're hoping that us tofu-eaters will be turned on first, and potentially sate the farm animal blood-lust long enough for them to escape to their underground bunkers.

Conspiracy theory, you say?

Ok, carrot-munchers, you can believe that if it helps you sleep at night.

Labels: cows are going to kill us all, the typical rambling YMG rant