Yellow Mustard Blog

I'm sure that recently, you've been asking yourself...late at night..."Why, why hasn't YMG been posting lately? There must be a good explanation! Only a plausible story, rooted in reality and full of heart-wrenching content will placate me!" Then later, as you drift off to sleep, you'll think, "What the hell does placate mean? Why am I asking myself questions out loud?! WHOSE PAJAMA BOTTOMS AM I WEARING!!??"
Don't worry my little paranoid peaches. I have a good reason. I just got a little old case of the bubonic plague. You know, just a run of the mill bout of the Great Black Death. Nothing a few hours in the Electric Needle Hut can't fix!!
But for serious, I've been really freaking sick. Luckily I don't have any time for old-fashioned, "Western medicine" treatments like bed rest or fluids. No, I prefer the Eastern methodology. Eastern Germany, that is. Yup! I'm following the classic Communist regime for getting better: extremely little sleep, big heaping spoonfuls of stress and arsenic and a generous amount of fear that I am going to horribly fail (all my exams).
I can feel my lymph nodes shrinking already! By shrinking I mean swelling. And by swelling I mean detaching from my neck and free floating around my body. And by free floating, I mean colliding violently with my other organs. Hooray alternative medicine!!!
Anyway, sorry for the absence. I've been percolating a lot of humor though, so expect an onslaught of hilariousness ... soon..ish. I can't make you any deadline promises...everytime I go to post something I start to feeling incredibly weak and I have to rest my enormous, mucus-filled head on the keyboard for a few min93q-[pf8iakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

The title should read, "YMG secrets" with the italics meaning a whisper...just like they do it in those Conan O'Brien bits. I have been a devoted Conan fan since 8th grade. But I realized something after watching that "guy falling down a mountain in a kayak" skit for the 100th time: If you were to randomly select one episode of Conan and watch it, you would probably think it was a very unfunny show. But if you could somehow view an average of alll of his shows, then you'd think it's freaking hilarious. That's my justification for why I still watch it, night after night. Also, I want to mother Conan O' Brien's pasty little baby. (Even in spite of the fact that I'm STILL bitter about Andy Richter leaving the show).

Anywho, here are a few of my most shameful secrets, for you mocking pleasure:

1. I really, really like the TV shows, "Reba" and "Girlfriends". If you do not know what shows I'm talking about, I salute you. You are a far more couthe and intelligent being than I. If you do know what shows I'm talking about, then...HA! Welcome to trash-town, whitey!
Both shows are on the WB or the CW or the WNBA or whatever. I don't watch them religiously per se, but let's just say...if they come on, I won't shriek and frantically scramble for the remote to change the channel like I do with soap operas or ANYTHING on Lifetime (including the commercials on Lifetime). Ew, I feel dirty after typing Lifetime twice.

2. I have a birthmark on my left forearm that is shaped like a brain. Seriously...it forms a perfect brain ... it even has the cerebellum sticking out at the bottom, and everything! (Someday I'll scan a picture of it but for now you'll just have to take my word). Anyway, for many many years I did not consider my brain a birthmark. It was the brain that was on my arm, just as much as my nose is on my face. Eventually, I started to notice other people had birthmarks...but it still took me a few years to finally make the connection. "Wait a minute. You mean...my brain is...just...a birthmark?!" I was very upset about this epiphany for a long time. Luckily I have come to love my forearm brain again and have been working on making it do little dances when I flex.

3. When I was little I thought that Burger King was actually "Burger Cane" and Pizza Hut was "Pizza Hot." Which is cute and all, until my mother told me that I was wrong. I adamantly, militantly disagreed with her. It wasn't just an adorable little speech nuance anymore, I truly believed that I was privy to information that my mom wasn't. I could hear it was Pizza Hot. My poor mom was just another foolish plebian, deluded into thinking it's Pizza Hut. Doesn't Pizza Hot make more sense?? I would go on for hours lecturing my mother, "Pizza is hot, so obviously it's Pizza HOT, Mom. GEEZ." I was a toddler with a superiority complex.
Obviously at four, my reading skills weren't that developed; so my poor Mom really had no way of proving to me that I was wrong. Nonetheless, her gentle insistence planted a seed of doubt in my brain. For about 2 weeks after that, everytime a BK or Pizza Hut commercial came on, I would run to the TV and put my ear up against the speaker. I would strain and strain to hear the announcer say "Cane" and "Hot". I begrudgingly admitted defeat a short time later. (Secretly though, I still harbored the feeling that I was right. Until I learned how to read. Then I felt like a big jackass.)


The moral of the story is...if you are a four-year-old egotistical stubborn jackass...you will eventually grow up to be an egotistical stubborn jackass that can tie your own shoes.

While I was compulsively re-reading my published post, I laughed out loud when I got to the line, "I am a withered old crone." This is disturbing in two parts because 1.) I laughed out loud at something I had just written nary two minutes before and b.) I have continued to laugh out loud for 15 minutes when I think about the line, "I am a withered old crone." For some reason, that is the most hilarious sentence in the history of sentences.

(With the exception of "If it wasn't for that horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.")

PS. How cool is it that Lewis Black has a MySpace page?

Answer: SUPER COOL.

1.) I actually function somewhat ok on 2 hours of sleep. I think it's because my heart rate was constantly racing last night thanks to an evening full of stress: my latest vermin discovery...MICE; my dog deciding that instead of using our ENORMOUS YARD, he'd rather poop on the kitchen floor; our neighbors security floodlight that kept turning on in the middle of the night, convincing me that there was a serial killer in our yard about, oh, SEVEN TIMES. So kids, stop relying on No-Doz to get you through those all-nighters...just start being bathed in a cold sweat and chock full of adrenaline for 12 hours. It's like MAGIC!

2.) There are a lot of people wearing formal shorts. Which is disturbing because I'm starting to think that my original hypothesis (people are wearing formal shorts as some sort of unspoken, collective joke) is wrong and people are actually wearing these things seriously. Formal. Shorts.
It's a contradiction in terms!!

3.) People in the nicest cars (Jaguars, BMWs, Kompressors) are always the ones that cut you off on the freeway, causing your blood pressure to rise with rage....and they are also always the ones that honk and curse and flash there lights when GOD FORBID you put your car in front of theirs...also causing your blood pressure to rise with paranoia..."Am I a bad driver? Did I just cut that guy off? But I thought there was room! I had my turn signal on!!" Either way they cause bile to eat a hole in your stomach which causes you to go to the doctor, which gets the doctor richer which allows him to buy an expensive car that he will cut you off in. It's the ciiiircle...the circle of liiiife...

4.) I go from zero to rank in about 4 minutes. Seriously. One trip across campus today and I smelled like a wet yeti.

5.) Even though I am 24 and have been out of highschool for 6 years, I still feel that insane pressure to have people like me...to have the attractive, "cool" people talk to me. I feel rejected if I am not asked to be in someone's group if we have to form them in class...in short, I still actually CARE what total strangers think of me and am STILL convinced that they are giving me more than 30 seconds of thought. Ugh. Oh, I'm also still a giant dork.

6.) Speaking of being 24... the age difference between me and most of the student body at Mesa isn't as bad or obvious as I expected. Really, the biggest difference between me and my classmates is that they are fresh-faced, youthful people with their entire lives ahead of them ... and I am a withered old crone.

7.) I am incapable of writing short posts or concise sentences, for that matter. And I'm just OCD enough to want to make up 3 more fake observations

8.) So I can have

9.) An even number in my post.

10.) Ahhh, much better.

the deal so far:
Moved into the new house last weekend and in less than seven days I discovered ants in my bed, clothes AND hair; I killed 20+ spiders in varying degrees of ickyness; my dog and therefore my carpet got fleas, I dodged a SKUNK wandering around on the sidewalk (at night thank goodness); and I got too intoxicated on Friday and Saturday, the two days I had reserved for doing responsible things like....killing ants and bathing. Doh.
Today is my first day of grad school and I am typing this from the learning center computer lab. hooray! My first class was bio; we spent most of the lecture trying to figure out the contents of a mystery box by using the scientific method. My favorite part was when one kid determined the object inside was 'not alive' because the box "didn't smell." Then the teacher said she may have wrapped the living item in plastic wrap to keep its putresence from permeating the box, blowing his hypothesis out of the water. This is your tax dollars at work, people. Suckers!

Anyway I don't have much time to enthrall you with these stories...I have overpriced lab supplies to buy and chapters to highlight instead of reading and freshman to tip over. I am 6 years older than most of the kids here, by the way. The funniest part is that most of the girls wear more makeup on their faces than I own in my home. SO I actually look younger than them anyway. Oh, also because I haven't hit puberty yet. I'm still in the larvae state, according to my doctor. Wait a minute, none of this is funny. I want sex organs! Not fair :(

I am feeling antsy because we are still working on getting internet in our house so I haven't read my blogs in awhile and as you may have gathered that makes me VERY AGITATED. I feel like I'm missing out on something extrememly important when I don't do my daily reads. I don't even want to TALK about TGWAE...I'm probably 50 meals behind...I'll never catch up :( Everyone stop posting!!

Anyway, that's how life has been as of late. Lots of vermin, too much alcohol, a little education and of course, this blog. Not much of a difference, I guess.

Hope you are all doing awesome! Hit me up on MySpace! LOL OMG WTF! L8R <;*

1.) I like yellow mustard on almost anything. Eggs, salads, french fries, tuna, etc. I have been known to hoard mustard packets or stand in front of the fridge and eat mustard off my finger.

2.) The first movie I ever watched was The Land Before Time (I was five and I cried when Littlefoot's mom died. In fact, it gets me choked up just thinking about it now.) Second movie I watched: Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I was also around 5 or 6 and I swear, that was a pivotal moment in the shaping of my personality. Instead of turning into a hot cheerleader with a bad attitude and a nice ass....I turned into a band geek with a taste for British humor. Oops.

3.) I have a complex about parking my car straight. No matter how late I am, I will spend minutes inching in and out of a spot in order to be exactly in the middle of the lines or to have my steering wheel perfectly straight.

4.) In 5th grade, I wanted to sing "I Will Always Love You" for the talent show but my mom (wisely) suggested I do a comedy stand up routine instead. I used some of my own material but I borrowed heavily from a Paula Poundstone video that we got with a box of Pop Tarts. I got an honorable mention award... but then again, so did the kid that covered himself in American flag stickers and sang half the national anthem before dissolving into tears.

5.) I am often mistaken for an Asian man. Not in person, I mean. In person I'm often mistaken for an albino man. What I mean is my first name is of Asian origin and rather genderless to boot, so a lot of people that read my name without seeing me often call me "Mr." on the phone. The funniest part is that I'm a pasty Polish/Slovakian with blonde hair and blue eyes, so people are usually extremely perplexed when they finally meet me in person. They are even more confused when I tell them that my mom wasn't influenced by anything Eastern when naming me. My name actually resulted from copious amounts of gonge and Captain Crunch.

6.) I have a propensity for head injuries. To date, I think I've racked up 6+ mild to moderate concussions. Of course, I never got them because I was doing something dangerous and cool. Most of my concussions happened while doing every day activities like ...opening a jar of pickles. I have been told that multiple head injuries can alter your personality but I haven't experienced any RAAAAAAAAAARRR HULK SMASH!!!

7.) I have mood-ring-esque eyes. My eyes can be anything from yellowish hazel to blue to green to swamp water to red laser beams. My mom often says my eyes are grey...but she also thinks her eyes are gray and they are dark brown. So she's clearly had a stroke or something to affect her color sensing ability.

8.) I have photosensitive hair. My hair is blonde and has been since I was 2 weeks old. If I'm out in the sun for even an hour, the top layer of my hair will bleach to almost white...but the layer underneath will be much darker. It's like a tan-line for my head. My hair will stay white for a little while, then fade again when I'm inside. At any given time my hair is three different colors.

9.) Minutes after getting engaged I was chased down a mountain in pitch black by a pack of coyotes. Ok, this is a slight exaggeration. My husband and I really did climb to the top of Iron Mountain and he did propose and I said yes and then before we got back down the mountain it was dark. The exaggeration is that we heard about 10 coyotes howling their heads off and they sounded like they were getting closer and closer...to the point where we started tearing down the hill, stopping only to pick up a few big rocks as weapons. Maybe the whole thing can be chalked up to auditory illusion and pure weenie-ness, but it's still a funny story.

10.) I hate getting complimented. My severe neurosis usually makes me not believe the compliment and my akwardness makes me seem insincere and ungrateful. I just don't like having people focus their attention on me. Which is rather ironic because I want everyone and their mom to read my blog. I think it's because the nicest thing anyone can say to me is that I'm funny. When someone says I'm really funny, I get giddier than Helen did when Robert Best sent her a message. I think my whole "desiring attention but maintaining anonymity" is one of the weirdest things about me. That and the third arm I have sprouting from my head.